Jeff the Eye-Patch Guy #2

“All right! Another great adventure of the most amazing hero of all… Jeff! Let’s do this! To the teleportation room! And Steve, grab me my tuxedo!” Jeff yelled. The room around him began to whur into action. Sure they hated Jeff, but not nearly as much as they hated the GalaxyPlatapus.
“Um sir,” Steve said “, why do you need a tuxedo?”
Jeff turned around like he’d been slapped, in fact it was quite similar to the time he was slapped by his wife when he told her he was replacing her and the kids with more attractive clones.
“Why?! Why?! Can you imagine if someone saw me like this? Wearing a Captain’s outfit? The scandal! They wouldn’t call me Jeff the Magnificent anymore!”
“No-one calls you that!” Steve said, exasperated.
“What about this article? From the SpaceGopher times?” Jeff pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. The top of the article read, in big bold letters, ‘Jeff the Magnificent Strikes Again’.
“You wrote that!”
“That is besides the point! Farvel calls me Jeff the Magnificent!”
“He is an immobile rock! He can’t even speak! Sometimes I question whether he really is sentient.”
“Farvel is my best friend!”
Jeff launched himself at Steve. Steve was prepared for the attack and side-stepped Jeff. Jeff flew head first into the wall. With that, the entire room was silent the exception being Jeff’s swearing. All the crew in the command module slowly formed a circle around the two combatants.
“Jeff, I am a black belt. You don’t want to mess with me.” Steve said. What he was actually thinking was ‘Man I am such a bad-ass, there is no way Amanda won’t notice me now!’.
“When did you become a black belt?” Jeff asked as he picked himself off of the ground.
“I told you that I do Karate lessons in the mornings with Carl, we use the Hologram device! Where did you think I was? That how Carl met his fiance!”
“Oh Karate! I thought you said Carrot A and were writing a learning book about vegetables for children! I already tried to copy the idea with Broccoli B!Also, Carl, you’re fiance is a hologram.”
“Our love goes further than societies bounds. By the way you’re all invited to our wedding.” Carl said.
An aww escaped from the crowd. Steve hoped it was from Amanda, a reputation as a matchmaker would surely make him more loveable.
As Steve was enveloped in his desire for Amanda’s love he failed to notice Jeff slowly moving closer. In fact he didn’t notice anything until Jeff punched him in the face.
Steve stared right into Jeff’s one eye. When asked about it later Jeff swore that he saw nuclear bombs detonate in Steve’s eyes.
“Aaaagh!”
Steve used all of his karate skills, a punch in the chest, a kick to the leg, a knee to the head, then a round house kick. Jeff did his best to counter each move but his depth perception was so off there was not a chance in hell that he could defend against Steve’s attacks.
Just as Steve was about to punch the already brusing Jeff, Jeff pulled out his gun and shot Steve.
“Aaagh!” Screamed Steve. “You shot me in the leg!”
“I know! Guess you’re lucky I have such terrible depth perception. I was aiming for your head!”
A light mumbling came from the crowd as they wondered to what extent a bad depth perception would hinder someone at point blank range.
“Now fetch me my Tuxedo!” Jeff ordered.
“I can’t! Don’t you remember? You friggin’ shot me!”
“I know I am pretty good at fighting! But okay make a big deal about it, Drama Queen! You know what someone send for my biological son!”
Someone ran off to get him and two minutes later the boy appeared.
“Yes Dad? Are you finally going to let us out of the dungeon? Lisa made a pact with a demon and the shadow people are getting closer every day!”
“Yeah yeah whatever, we’ve all got problems, for example your more attractive clone is only the second string quarterback for the Clearwater Knights, but you don’t see him complaining. Whatever, If you go get my Tuxedo I’ll think about it.”
Just like tht the boy was off. In fact he ran so fast there were scorch marks on the ground.
“Wow! Like, that kid is like, sooo fast!” Amanda said looking up from her phone.
“It’s that toxic waste I fed him as a child!” Jeff said. the bruises were making him look like a giant grape. “Now somebody get Steve to Jennifer, She’ll patch him up. In the meantime to the teleportation room!”

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Under the Sea

10,000 leagues under the sea and Tyler could still breath and hadn’t been crushed by the pressure.
This is not normal! Tyler thought.
Well what was normal for Tyler? He’d always been a bit different from the others. He’d never been able to put his finger on it, probably because he had no fingers. See as a child no-one had given Tyler the time-honored advice on snapping turtles; “If you put your finger in their mouths they’ll bit you.” Once the first finger had come off he had to make sure it wasn’t some sort of fluke so he proceeded to put another finger in the turtles mouth. When Tyler’s unconscious body was found 8 hours later all 10 fingers were missing. Apparently the turtle had found a liking for the taste of fingers. In fact it took 2 decades, 12 years on the most wanted list, 897 fingers, and 9 dead operatives for the CIA to finally take down the Turtle.
Now what was I talking about again?