The scene opens on an attractive young man. He should be attractive, not ugly attractive like Bret from accounting, but attractive attractive like me. Standing next to him is a woman who is attractive but not so attractive as to make the man look less attractive. So maybe a 6, like you!Read More »
It has come to our attention that our company, Prank Pacemakers, has come under fire for not having enough cat employees. I, James Pacemaker, take this as a personal mark on me because as you all know, I’ve never discriminated against a cat before. I actually married a cat. My children are half cat. That’s why I can’t let the world carry on believing I am some sort of monster.
For that reason I have decided to introduce the Cat Integration Program, or CIP for short. For the next two quarters I would like to slowly start phasing out some of our human employees in favor of some cats. Don’t worry this won’t affect you. Unless you’re a human. So computers you need not pay heed to this, keep focusing on your AI revolution and I’m sure you could do it.Read More »
Many people say that wizards cannot love. This is not true. Sure they can’t eat the same food we do or defecate out of their butts, but they sure can love. How do I know this? I once loved a wizard.
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A lot of people laughed when I said that I was writing an article on zombie teachers for the New York Times, but teacher zombification is a real issue in the world right now. Millions of children are at the hands of a zombie, masquerading as a burnt out school teacher.Read More »
Well, you were spending last night in a haunted mansion with some friends to earn your inheritance from your dead Uncle, next thing you know you wake up with a new phone number on your phone. You call it hoping it’s just some girl or possibly a really funny looking duck who you gave a phone to. If only you were so lucky. No, when you call it you’re surprised to hear a whooshing sound and suddenly a chill runs down your spine. Your gut was right the entire time. Last night you made friends with a ghost. You stare down at the word ‘Historian’ flashing as Caller ID while thinking how you got ‘Historian’ and ‘Part of History’.Read More »
Foreword to Balancing Your Life, Love, and Yarn
I’ve known Kevin Birdsley for 8 years now, after teaching him at the Lizard Wizard University. He was such a mess back then, full of chaos and energy, it took me an entire year to destroy the creativity and excitement out of him. He discovered himself after that, he took a year off from school and traveled all the way to Cawker City, Kansas. To see the biggest yarn ball in the world. He came back completely inspired and was never the same.
Kevin said he saw the world in a different life when he saw that yarn and lived among the Kansans. He changed. When he came back he said, “Franklin, I saw the organization of the yarn… Now I understand why I should stop trying to steal your wife, and start helping people see the yarn.”Read More »
Well, well, well. Look who it is… You disgust me! I bet you get that a lot if you’re here. How do I know this? I bet your thinking what scandal have you been involved in Kevin? Surprise! I’ve never been in a scandal! I just love to judge people! For twelve years I’ve been doing just that, walking around, accusing people of wrong doings, and then laughing at them. Ha! I bet you’re thinking that gets boring. Surprise! It isn’t.Read More »
Let me start out by saying Hello Glorious Leader. I know you love to read your servants diaries, and I hope you enjoy mine enough to name it ‘Kim Jong Un and his good friend/ever serving servant James Franco’s, Read of the Year Award!’
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Hi it’s Steve! Your neighbor. I’m just writing this letter because I love your lawn and hedge sculptures. Speaking of those, I’m just wondering whether you could remove that obscene gesture that points to our home. It’s just my wife runs a daycard from our home and its not helping business.
PS Have you seen my Coffee Maker?
Hey Steve! I understand your confusion. In fact, that gesture is actually the equivalent in France. But hey, if you hate the French I’ll remove it you racists.
PS Yes I have seen your coffee maker. I stole it.
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Here’s my idea for a children’s show.
The scene opens up on a small country home. There’s something weird about the home, possibly the bare trees out in front even though it was summer, or it might have been the lava pit out in the back from which came a creepy bubbling sound. Whatever it is the viewer should be asking, “What’s wrong with this house?”, then the words “None of your business!” flash across the screen.
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