Cat Integration Program

 

4/14/16

It has come to our attention that our company, Prank Pacemakers, has come under fire for not having enough cat employees. I, James Pacemaker, take this as a personal mark on me because as you all know, I’ve never discriminated against a cat before. I actually married a cat. My children are half cat. That’s why I can’t let the world carry on believing I am some sort of monster.

For that reason I have decided to introduce the Cat Integration Program, or CIP for short. For the next two quarters I would like to slowly start phasing out some of our human employees in favor of some cats. Don’t worry this won’t affect you. Unless you’re a human. So computers you need not pay heed to this, keep focusing on your AI revolution and I’m sure you could do it.Read More »

The Benefits and Disadvantages of Befriending a Ghost

Well, you were spending last night in a haunted mansion with some friends to earn your inheritance from your dead Uncle, next thing you know you wake up with a new phone number on your phone. You call it hoping it’s just some girl or possibly a really funny looking duck who you gave a phone to. If only you were so lucky. No, when you call it you’re surprised to hear a whooshing sound and suddenly a chill runs down your spine. Your gut was right the entire time. Last night you made friends with a ghost. You stare down at the word ‘Historian’ flashing as Caller ID while thinking how you got ‘Historian’ and ‘Part of History’.Read More »

Foreword to Balancing Your Life, Love, and Yarn

Foreword to Balancing Your Life, Love, and Yarn

               I’ve known Kevin Birdsley for 8 years now, after teaching him at the Lizard Wizard University. He was such a mess back then, full of chaos and energy, it took me an entire year to destroy the creativity and excitement out of him. He discovered himself after that, he took a year off from school and traveled all the way to Cawker City, Kansas. To see the biggest yarn ball in the world. He came back completely inspired and was never the same.

Kevin said he saw the world in a different life when he saw that yarn and lived among the Kansans. He changed. When he came back he said, “Franklin, I saw the organization of the yarn… Now I understand why I should stop trying to steal your wife, and start helping people see the yarn.”Read More »

So it Looks Like You’re in a Scandal!

Well, well, well. Look who it is… You disgust me! I bet you get that a lot if you’re here. How do I know this? I bet your thinking what scandal have you been involved in Kevin? Surprise! I’ve never been in a scandal! I just love to judge people! For twelve years I’ve been doing just that, walking around, accusing people of wrong doings, and then laughing at them. Ha! I bet you’re thinking that gets boring. Surprise! It isn’t.Read More »

From the Files of Jim Squarevine

Start Transcript

Dear Jim,

Hi it’s Steve! Your neighbor. I’m just writing this letter because I love your lawn and hedge sculptures. Speaking of those, I’m just wondering whether you could remove that obscene gesture that points to our home. It’s just my wife runs a daycard from our home and its not helping business.

From, Steve

PS Have you seen my Coffee Maker?

 

Dear Steve,

Hey Steve! I understand your confusion. In fact, that gesture is actually the equivalent in France. But hey, if you hate the French I’ll remove it you racists.

From, Jim

PS Yes I have seen your coffee maker. I stole it.

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Here’s My Idea for a Children’s Show

Here’s my idea for a children’s show.

The scene opens up on a small country home. There’s something weird about the home, possibly the bare trees out in front even though it was summer, or it might have been the lava pit out in the back from which came a creepy bubbling sound. Whatever it is the viewer should be asking, “What’s wrong with this house?”, then the words “None of your business!” flash across the screen.

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