I think I first suspected the mayor of being an alien when I saw him wrap his secretary up in a cocoon and eat her. I didn’t go to the police though, because that would be silly! The police have better things to do than investigate the mayor, like covering up how the pharmaceutical companies are running tests on us by poisoning the drinking water.
Things began to get out of hand though. Namely the mayor requesting all of our hands for a public service project. Little did we know that he planned on literally making a statue out of our hands. We of course had to put an end to this because if there were no hands, how would we slap our enemies or play pattycake? Why would we sacrifice pattycake for a statue to contact the “motherland”?
Of course we all thought “motherland” was Russia, but we couldn’t pry or ask him because he didn’t speak a lick of English. He spoke as many words of English as I have toes on my feet, so about 12. In retrospect we should have seen that as a bit of a red flag, but we didn’t.
Really, the worst part of it was how awful his breath was. Probably the second worst part was how he enslaved our town, but I like to think that was just a mistake. We all make mistakes right? A mistake he made for 24 years in a row.
We weren’t quite innocent ourselves though. We played just as dirty as they did. It’s difficult to expel the great whoopee cushion incident from the public mind. Which is why they removed it from the textbooks, and publicly ridiculed anyone who spoke of it, until it faded from the public’s mind to myth.
Us humans were getting pretty tired of living like this, we didn’t have enough food to eat nor enough pattycake time. So what did we do? We rebelled. Now this may seem pretty drastic, “being enslaved builds character” my father always said, but that’s the difference between me and my father. I have no character.
The rebellion started off well enough, just a couple of friends chatting about things we could do while looking at a map, but then people started getting serious, wanting to actually do things. I’d joined this rebellion thing expecting it to be like a book club, boy was I wrong.
So we fought them. I’m not going to say the fighting was easy, but let’s just say those aliens had never lifted a finger before. Which is what makes it all the more surprising how they slaughtered us. In fact the only way we made it into the presidential palace was on accident when we were in search of a bathroom.
My fellow rebels attacked, and I was about to join in when I saw something shiny on the ground. It was a 1938 nickel. Feeling lucky I decided it was time to join the fight, but when I saw my friends being slaughtered I decided I might as well tie my shoelace. When I finished tying my shoe laces (double knot of course), I saw an opening and slipped through into the throne room. Then in a series of accidents managed to kill the mayor.
I’m not going to say I wasn’t proud of my accomplishment, in fact I was so proud that I decided it would probably be better for the town to know me as Vergon Alien Margizlip. I also decided I should be the new king.
Now I may have committed some “war crimes”, but let me ask who of us here hasn’t? Who hasn’t struck down their former compatriots and declared themselves the supreme leader of the town? Don’t judge me, first judge yourselve, then while your doing that I’ll escape out the back.
So would you please, pretty please, not send me to jail for my war crimes? I promise I’ll never do it again, unless I REALLY want to. #freethewarcriminal #please #kevin


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