The Grate Ezkape

This was it. The day Jake was going to escape Prison Prison (named after the late great James Prison, the inventor of the cheese grater). All he had to do was come up with an entire plan and then execute it. This may seem like a tall order, but Jake was famously good at coming up with elaborate plans. When he was a child he’d organized an entire breakout from school, which he liked to call the Grate Ezkape (He spent so much time thinking of escaping he never learnt to spell). Unfortunately, all 288 children had then been kidnapped by a cult in a convoy of windowless white vans offering candy.
But Jake had escaped from there, after convincing the entire cult he was actually Princess Diane reincarnated.
A few years later though Jake had been sent to Prison for ‘escaping’ from taxes.
Jake had started out all alone in the prison, but had quickly decided to join a gang so as to avoid the weekly beatings. Man he was tired of that beat boxing. But being in a gang wasn’t all it was cracked out to be. Jake had assumed it would be similar to a book club, but soon he discovered the only book they read was the book of hard knocks. And also Jane Eyre. Oddly enough that was required reading for joining the gang.
Jake decided he was tired of swearing fealty to the gang leader, he was tired of washing the gang’s clothes, and he was tired of tucking them all in at night. So obviously the best course of action was to escape. At first Jake considered putting on a show and then while everyone was applauding he’d escape out the back. He realized this wasn’t a possibility though, because after her tried to pay for his candy bars with song and was then expressly forbidden from singing. His second plan was elaborate but he didn’t think he could get his hands on an Asian gentleman, four pounds of beans, and a tap-dancing monkey.
He then decided his best option was to tunnel his way out. He’d seen it in all the movies, all he need was a spoon from the kitchen.
When Jake entered the canteen he had with a purpose. To get some tater tots before Kevin ate all of them, and then to get a spoon.
It turned out to be pretty easy, getting the spoon. The tater tots thing completely failed though, friggin’ Kevin.
Jake was just heading back to his cell, spoon tucked between his butt cheeks, when all of a sudden he heard a thudding noise behind him, followed by a scream, and then three renditions of Amazing Grace. A riot had broken out! After respectfully listening to the end of Amazing Grace Jake rushed over to the riot, stepping over bodies to get to the center of it. What could have started this riot? He thought. When he arrived, it all made sense.
Laying on the ground lifeless, in the middle of the canteen, was Kevin. The prisoners were tired of the tater tots being gone, and had decided to end their suffering.
“Why? Why couldn’t I have any tater tots? Or a lovely singing voice?” One prisoner yelled in tears while punching a downed guard. Jake related to both of these things, and was beginning to get riled up himself. He was about to join in on the guard punching when he remembered what his psychologist had told him. “Every time you think about punching a guard because of your awful singing voice and a lack of tater tots remember: Kicking him will hurt a lot more.
So Jake joined in for a couple hours of guard kicking. When he got tired he switched feet. Eventually when both feet were tired he just threw his shoes at him. When he did this he looked up only to realize the canteen was deserted, and instead of kicking a guard, he’d merely been kicking a pot filled with beans.
A faint scream sounded in the distance and Jake decided to investigate. He was a world class detective, at least according to his Sherlock Holmes club membership badge. Thinking of the Sherlock Holmes badge made Jake smile, best 200 dollars he’d ever spent.
As Jake made his way to the noises the rest of the prison had an eerie quiet about it. Sure there were many dead bodies and smashed objects around, but they were quiet and didn’t make the usual ruckus that broken things do. Jake didn’t see a single soul, except for Kevin’s ghost, who’s hands kept passing through a tater tot on the ground.
When Jake finally located the noise he realized the scream was coming from a radio, on which a Halloween broadcast was being played. Also that the front door was right open. He made his way out cautiously at first, but then he broke into a run. He was so glad to be out of there and now he was free. Being in prison was the worst three days of his life.
How lucky he had been to have a riot break out, just like had happened in school during the ‘Grate Ezkape’, where a different Kevin had been killed when he ate all the French fries.
As Jake walked into the setting sun he realized something. He really should have taken a dump while he was still in the prison.


One thought on “The Grate Ezkape

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s