Alexander the Tap Dancing Rat

Emma screamed in terror! Or maybe not terror, probably more like hunger.

“I’m hungry!” She yelled from the hot tub. Emma was one of the first prisoners to be subjected to hot tub execution. The idea was that the water was so nice that the prisoners would never leave, eventually they would die of hunger or, if worst comes to worst, Raisinification.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, the workers building the hot tub had accidentally dug too deep, connecting the water pipes to an ancient Indian burial ground. This would have been a disaster, but the Indian ghosts were out at laser tag. So Emma avoided what would have been a gruesome death as well as a humiliating game of skeeball.

Further down though, past the ancient burial ground was a lab full of drunk Mexicans who had accidentally engineered a tap dancing rat hell bent on ruling the world, and he had just escaped into the water pipe. The Mexicans were confused at first, but the TV they were watching suddenly switched to a soccer game and they forgot all about Alexander the tap dancing rat.

Emma was just starting to realize that maybe they had said “execution” and not “free spa day” when she began to hear a clicking sound emanating for deep below her. A feeling of unease overcame Emma. Not enough to make her want to leave the hot tub, but definitely enough to make her do part of the chicken dance. For those unfamiliar with Emma’s habits it seemed she was doing the chicken dance, when in fact she was actually just making a farting sound by cupping her hand underneath her armpit. This may seem strange, but actually Emma was an incredibly superstitious person, and after a meeting with a friendly gypsy man (or very hairy woman) she decided that was the best way to ward against danger.

The sound considered for some time, slowly getting closer and closer. Once it seemed as though it was a bowlingballs throw away Emma hopped out of the hot tub. She immediately felt very cold and was about to hop in when all of a sudden a tap dancing rat dressed in a tutu surfaced in the hot tub.

At first Emma was confused, then a little bit scared, but then she remembered something she’d learned when she was just a little kid. Her grandma always told her that “If a rat dressed in a tutu surfaces in a hot tub that you are about to be executed in, then you’ll finally realize I am a time traveler and the real reason Princess Diana died in that car crash!” Comprehension dawned on Emma, her grandma, Lawrence J. Grandma, was a Real. Life. Friggin’. Crazy Person.

As Emma thought back to her time with her grandma she realized she should probably pay attention to the tap dancing rat in a tutu. She noticed it was staring at her, completely frigid except for its feet which seemed to constantly be tapping. Emma though back to her time at boarding school, before she knocked that kids head off with a karate chop, and how she’d learned Morse code to spy on her neighbors who liked to communicate with it.

She listened to the tap dancing, barely audible through the water.

It took more than 40 attempts for Emma to interpret what Alexander the tap dancing rat said.

Help me take over the world…

               Through Dance!

               Emma recalled how she’d briefly been part of a touring company before she was sent to prison for kidnapping all those tigers from the prison. Which wouldn’t have been enough for a prison sentence in itself,

Emma gave the floor a tap, at first hesitantly but then with more confidence. She tapped him a message saying: Let’s do this, we’ll take over the world you and I!

               It was right then that the executioner came in to turn up the hot tubs heat. His eyes widened as he saw Emma free from the delightfully warm hot tub.

 

A little while later on a chilly Chicago night with the rain drizzling just light enough for it to be dreary a square of bright lights danced in the distance. Framed by these was a poster in which a rat and a blond haired, green eyed woman danced. The faded dark yellow letters advertised a show that would have surely dazzled audiences, if the two leads hadn’t disappeared into thin air, right on stage.

Somewhere though, the stars of, Alexander the Great Rat and Emma the Magnificent Present: A Night of at least Average Entertainment, Hopefully More but we don’t want to get your Hopes Up!, lay awake hoping for the day they would be rescued.

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