Lizardmen Corporation Cult

Jake was ready for his life to change, so he packed up his bags, said goodbye to his family, finally freed the prisoners in his basement, and headed off to Clearwater City!

The first order of business was for Jake to find some roommates. At first he searched by randomly approaching strangers walking on the street, telling them about how the world had turned upside down, he needed to pee, and if he didn’t get a house quickly the killer bees in his pocket would probably attack someone. After being pepper sprayed multiple times he decided he needed to rethink his approach.

Jake sat down on a park bench while questioning all the mistakes he’d made on this journey. Why didn’t he get an apartment beforehand? Why had he decided to keep a hive of killer bees as pets? Why were his pants on fire? At first Jake freaked out about the entire fire pants issue, but then he remembered what his grandfather had told him.

“STAY AWAY FROM GYPSIES!”

Jake needed to stop listening to his grandfather’s memory. Jake was beginning to realize there was a reason they’d set him free in the Argentinian wild.

Back to the matter at hand, this time Jake remembered what that fireman had told him when he lit his school on fire during an acid fight. “Stop! Drop! And Poll”. Jake hadn’t quite heard the last bit because he was imagining himself as a Penguin King, or possibly a Penguin Courtesan.

So Jake stopped what he was doing, dropped to the ground, and began asking random strangers what their favorite color was. Oddly enough it worked and the flame burnt out. Jake’s life expectancy improved even more when one of the people he polled asked him whether he’d like to join a cult. Jake figured this wouldn’t have been his first choice, but it was that or release a group of killerbees in Clearwater city. After weighing his options for a completely immoral amount of time Jake decided the former was the better option… for now.

“Wow!” Jake said when they reached the cults warehouse. Standing before Jake was a swarming, ever changing, mass of humans, all surrounding a pit of epic proportions.

“Now may I inquire what it is we believe in?” Jake asked the cult member who’d recruited him. His name was Brother Santa Claus, which was the second highest member of the cult.

“Oh we believe that in that pit is a group of lizard men forty feet tall who want to take over the world–” Brother Santa had a bit of a coughing fit. “Sorry, the pit is filled with a lot of dust. Where was I? Oh. They want to take over the world’s fast food industry! They will rise from the earth and create the greatest fast food chain of all time. And we will be there to serve them.”

Jake realized this was crazy! Unless he was given a management position… Then he could afford his own apartment, get a little kitty cat, and also a pool filled with Jello. Jake didn’t even like Jello he just liked the extravagance of his imagination. Jake was getting carried away. He’d have to work his way up.

As if Brother Santa Claus could read his thoughts he whispered to Jake that he could do it, he could become a manager with a few well placed political assassinations. Jake was hesitant to believe him, but there was a fire burning in his mind, a hope scorching in his hear, and a hive of bees burning in his pockets.

So Jake became a member of the Lizardmen Corporation Cult. The next day he died of killer bee stings.

The Lizardmen Corporation Cult was in for more tragedy though, for the idea that the lizardmen had come up was just an Arby’s rip off, so the Lizardmen Corporation Cult members flung them back into the pit.

 

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