Jeffery the Great

Jake was on the verge of his greatest heist yet. Also his first one. He was going to steal the secrets of Jeffery the Great, who had created the first porta-potty. Jeffery had kept on innovating though, next came the cheese grater, then the ice cream maker. Jake was most concerned though with his greatest invention of all… the stairs. For years people had been building two story homes, but not being able to access the second story. Many people starved to death because they put the kitchen on the top floor like fools.

Jake wasn’t there for the secrets of his next invention though. No, he was here for Jeffery’s secrets. Jake was a member of the Anti-Influence of Darkarts Society, or AIDS for short, and he found it incredibly unlikely that anyone could create something as technologically advanced as stairs without the use of dark magic.

The building in front of Jake was an ancient English mansion, which Jeffery had famously destroyed brick by brick and brought it to Clearwater. With caution, Jake began to approach the building, careful to stay away from the genetically engineered firefly’s so as to remain cloaked in the night. Also he was allergic to the acid that the firefly’s spit. He had this strange allergy where whenever acid landed on him it burned and ate his flesh.

In an effort to remain sneaky, Jake coughed as he threw a rock at the window out front. You can imagine his surprise when all of a sudden the window threw a rock back at him. So ensued a rock throwing contest. Eventually after both parties sustained more than a little brain damage, but they decided to part ways and do it again sometimes. They exchanged phone numbers and parted paths.

So Jake decided to shimmy his way down the chimney like Santa Claus, but instead of giving gifts he was going to steal Jeffery’s secrets and pee in all his toilets without flushing the toilet.

Shimmying down was difficult, especially considering Jake was wearing his grease pants. He made it down though, after a brief meeting with a family of raccoons, only to find himself surrounded by a semi-circle of dogs. Luckily the dogs were all asleep. Unluckily Jake was wearing tap shoes, which in retrospect hadn’t been a good move, but dammit if he needed to dance he’d friggin’ dance!

Jake made an effort to sneak towards the door in the corner of the room, but he couldn’t help but break into a Broadway song. Dammit! He thought, why did he have to be so damn talented?

The dogs began to wake up. Jake tried to pry a bone out of his own leg so as to throw it and distract the dogs, but the entire action became fruitless when the dogs started trying to pry his leg bone out.

So Jake pulled the gun out of his pocket, shot it in the air twice, threw it into the corner, and then scurried back up the chimney.

He could figure out Jeffery’s secrets another time. For now? He was going to go steal some pancakes from Daniel the Epic.


One thought on “Jeffery the Great

  1. That’s why you never commit more than one heist. It can always be remembered as your greatest.

    I’ve always said stairs and ladders are much more important inventions than the Internet.

    I have a very similar acid allergy.

    Ha! Pulling a bone from his own leg. Classic. I had a German Shepherd try and pull a bone from my leg once.


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