How to Fake Your Own Death

So it looks like your trying to fake your own death! Many people have done it, Elvis, Lord Lucan, Timothy Dexter, or Kevin from Accounting. If you plan on following in their footsteps there are some things you need to know.

#1. Faking your own death isn’t the bragging gold mine you’d hope it would be. I learnt that lesson when I tried to brag to a cute blonde at a bar about how I’d faked my own death!! Unfortunately she was a cop, which in retrospect made sense considering she was wearing a police uniform and was questioning me. Luckily I learned from my mistakes after I did the same thing the next two times I faked my death!!!

#2. Faking your death cheapens the impact of a funeral. If you, for example, wanted to fake your own death to see how your family would react, I should warn you in advance, get it on tape! Lots of amateurs make the mistake of not filming the reactions, and then are forced to fake their own death again to get it on tape! Once you fake your death a sixth or seventh time, half the family doesn’t even show up to the funeral!!!!!

#3. If you’re in the faking your death game so you can track someone off the grid, I have to warn you. Don’t think you’ll get all the glory you’d otherwise get! Let me share a personal anecdote!! About the fifth time I faked my death it was so I could kill someone I felt had sleighted me. He was a magician who’d made a fool of me. When I finally killed him I didn’t get nearly the respect I felt I deserved because no-one knew it was me! Except of course for the police, my wife, the mayor, and the magicians wife! So there’s some advice! If you want respect unleash a lion in their home like a real man.

#4. Here’s a surprising one you might enjoy! Faking your death may cause a strain on your family! Crazy right?! I thought so! My wife said she was going to leave me if I faked my own death a ninth time. So, to avoid the situation I faked my own death to avoid her divorce papers! It just goes to show, faking your death can be a real life saver!

There is some advice on whether you want to fake your own death or not! If you decide it’s the option for you, congratulations! You should buy my book, Behind You, Is That Your Wife? Just Kidding, Your Loved Ones All Think You’re Dead! If you’ve decided faking your death isn’t a good option? Okay, I respect your wrong opinion!

Trevor Stillalive has written numerous best sellers such as: Keeping a mistress for dummies, Why do I feel sexually attracted to elephants?, Where did I put my phone? Just kidding I’m Poor, and How to Kill your Mistress.

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2 thoughts on “How to Fake Your Own Death

  1. I want to fake my death so I can avoid paying child support but I do still want to see my kids in case they later grow up to be rich. Any advice?

    Also, I represent Mr. Trevor Stillalive’s publisher. Where should we send his book royalties after his recent untimely death?

    Like

    • The best option for you would be to fake your death, but hire an actor to play your ghost. Then, if your wonderful (and probably handsome) children achieve success, you can say you came back from the grave. It worked with my children!

      It’s difficult to believe Mr. Stillalive died in his fourth freak house fire, I’m still in mourning myself. If you could send his royalties to his widow, who coincidentally lives at my address, that would be great.

      Liked by 1 person

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