From the Files of Jim Squarevine

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Dear Jim,

Hi it’s Steve! Your neighbor. I’m just writing this letter because I love your lawn and hedge sculptures. Speaking of those, I’m just wondering whether you could remove that obscene gesture that points to our home. It’s just my wife runs a daycard from our home and its not helping business.

From, Steve

PS Have you seen my Coffee Maker?

 

Dear Steve,

Hey Steve! I understand your confusion. In fact, that gesture is actually the equivalent in France. But hey, if you hate the French I’ll remove it you racists.

From, Jim

PS Yes I have seen your coffee maker. I stole it.

Dear Jim,

Hi it’s Steve! I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware it was French. I apologize. I’m sure you would agree I’m actually not a racist in any way. I don’t mean to lecture you again, but I’d appreciate it if you stopped telling the neighborhood kids that my son wets the bed.

I’d love it if you and your wife would come over!

From, Steve

PS If you could return the coffee maker that would be great!

 

Dear Steve,

Hey Steve! We’d love to come to dinner. Just to clarify, can we bring our son? I apologize about the bed wetting thing. I was just confused because I kept seeing soiled sheets hung up to dry. Wait… Are they yours?

From, Jim

PS I sent the coffee pot in the mail. I told the post office you’d pay for it. Also I’m sending my electricity bill if you could pay for that as well.

 

Dear Jim,

Hi it’s Steve! I didn’t know you had a son, but yes bring him along. I’m sure Berkley would be a playmate. How does Friday sound? Also don’t pretend you don’t know I saw you spraying one of those sheets hanging outside with urine.

From, Steve

PS May I inquire why the coffee now tastes so weird?

 

Dear Jim,

Hi it’s Steve! Thanks so much for coming to dinner! I’m sorry I offended you at the dinner, but you can imagine my surprise when your ‘son’ turned out to be a monkey. I know you’re probably wondering how Berkley’s doing after BoBo attacked him. He’s doing remarkably well, the doctors say he’ll probably be able to keep his arms! He keeps blabbering on about how cool you are! Though, I really would have appreciated it if you had asked me before giving him that cocaine.

By the way, if it’s possible could you remove the landmines from my garden? My dog Barkley was running around and set one off. I normally wouldn’t make a big deal of this, but the explosion caused a tree to fall on my house. Thank you!

From, Steve

PS Please tell me what happened with the coffee!

 

Dear Steve,

Hi Steve! I’m so sorry about Berkley! I told BoBo to leave him alone, and if that didn’t work at least kill him in one blow.

Don’t feel bad about the confusion surrounding BoBo being my son. Unfortunately after the work my wife and I do with radiation we’ve been rendered infertile. Who would’ve known all those long hours slaving over the radiation beam, pointing it at the people we didn’t like, would have a detrimental effect on our health? We didn’t see it coming, that’s for sure!

By the way, have you been feeling strange lately? Possibly developing a power which you’re too scared to share for fear of being called crazy?

From, Jim

PS About the coffee pot. My wife and I were pointing the radiation beam at some annoying neighbors of ours, and didn’t want to get up, so we use your pot as a mini toilet.

 

Dear Jim,

Hi it’s Steve. My wife and I now have Cytomegalovirus. Would you mind watching Berkley as we get this treated? Please be sensitive and help him go cold turkey on his cocaine addiction. It’s very serious.

From, Steve.

 

Dear Steve,

Cytomegalovirus can be transferred through urine right? You should start washing your hands with soap you damn barbarian!  It would be great to have Berkley over!

From, Jim

 

Dear Steve,

Hi Steve! I regret to inform you that Berkley will be staying with me from now on. He says he loves me more than he’ll ever love you because “You give me more cocaine than Dad does!” What a cute six year old right? A cute six year old you will never be allowed to see again. By the way by way of your suggestion I’ve been feeding him loads of turkey.

From,

Jim

PS I’ve also been house sitting your house while you’ve been gone. Don’t look in the basement.

 

 

From the files regarding the death of Jim Squarevine at the hands of Steve Birkley.

 

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