From the Diary of Kim Jong-Un’s Personal Assistant

Dear Diary,

Let me start out by saying Hello Glorious Leader. I know you love to read your servants diaries, and I hope you enjoy mine enough to name it ‘Kim Jong Un and his good friend/ever serving servant James Franco’s, Read of the Year Award!’

Today was a good day for me. I prayed to a statue of Grand Master Kim, then ate my breakfast of cold stew.

After that I attended to our Lord, I cleaned all of his toilets, all of which were covered in solid gold! I guess it is true that he urinates pure gold!

Then I listened to the Masters rap album, “Kim Jong Snoop Dogg”. I think it is amazing how he sounds so black, it must stem from his ability to shape shift. Then I ate my lunch of cold stew.

After that I spent the rest of the day as a target for the Great Leader to practice his archery! I was unlucky in that he only hit me once. Bernice was so lucky though! Here funeral is on Saturday.

For dinner we had cold stew.

It was such a great day! I hope tomorrow brings much joy.


Dear Diary,

It has been two weeks since my last entry. Things have been hectic around here. A rebel uprising happened, but the leader shot them down all at once with his laser eyes. It was a shame I and the other 322 servants failed to see this because it would have been a sight to remember. So in commemoration of this the Great Leader has offered us to have a mural of it tattooed across our back. Participation is mandatory. I hope mine will be the best so I can be branded as the best tattoo getter. I hear brandings hurt, but I hope it will be worth it.


Dear Diary,

I am very confused. I don’t know whether I love the leader more or adore the leader more. What a difficult position I am in right now! It is much like the song “Do I Love or Adore the Leader More?” By Kim Jong Un and his best friend Adele. I feel like I the only option for me is to combine the two phrases. I adove the grand leader. I will workshop it tomorrow.


Dear Diary,

It has been a difficult couple of days. I tried to tell the leader I adoved him. I was then beaten and imprisoned for two weeks for my “creativity”. I understand though! I have learned a new respect for the Grand Leader. I have now decided to use the government sanctioned phrase, I now know I idolize and worship the leader.

Anyway there’s a brand new servant in the palace. Yesterday Franklin was chosen as the Leaders arrow target. I’m beginning to feel like I’m losing favor.

It was not all bad though, we got to watch the Grand Leader’s Film, “When Kim Jong Un met Kim Jong Ill” in the park. Halfway through a couple people were executed, but I didn’t let the smell of blood bother me.


Dear Diary,

Franklin stole my room. The Glorious Leader graciously now allows me to sleep in the gutter now.


Dear Diary,

I accidentally vomited today in the Masters presence. It may have been because of my time in the gutter says the doctor. Then he was carted away for daring to lie about the cleanliness of the gutter. Anyway the disgust caused by my vomit has forced the Grand Leader to execute me. I am very excited.


Dear Diary,

I will be executed today for the wonderful opportunity to die for the Glorious Leader. I don’t regret anything, except for forcing the Master to see my disgusting vomit. So I am now listening to the musical the Grand Master wrote, the Sound of Suffering, as it is being played across the loudspeaker.

I hope now that I will be allowed into the Pearly Gates of Kim Jong, where I will be greeted by Kim Jong Ill and his good friend Michael Jackson. I only hope I can serve the Master in the next life. Possibly as a chair.


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