So it Looks Like You’re in a Scandal!

Well, well, well. Look who it is… You disgust me! I bet you get that a lot if you’re here. How do I know this? I bet your thinking what scandal have you been involved in Kevin? Surprise! I’ve never been in a scandal! I just love to judge people! For twelve years I’ve been doing just that, walking around, accusing people of wrong doings, and then laughing at them. Ha! I bet you’re thinking that gets boring. Surprise! It isn’t.

Anyway, I’ve accused a dozen plus people of a dozen plus crimes, and I know how they should be handled. Here’s my advice.

  1. Don’t struggle against it. It’s like drowning, the only way to make it to the surface is to go even deeper. If only more of my swimmers listened to that they probably wouldn’t have drowned. Never become angry, situations have worsened because of this so many times I can’t count! Because I didn’t go to school, I was too busy laughing at people in scandal.
  2. Scapegoats! Get ‘em. Goats aren’t always a good option, they don’t work for everything, one time I saw a man try and blame the goat for infidelity. Only use an actual goat for simple, believable things, like destruction of property, trespassing, or tax fraud. Otherwise use a human person or a really attractive monkey with well gelled hair.
  3. Try and turn the attention away from you. If you’ve done something bad, try and make your sister relapse. I’ve only been involved in one scandal. I had kidnapped my uncle’s pet chicken, Stephen. When the story broke I tried to take my own advice and find something worse. So I murdered a dear with my bear hands. Man, those were the best gloves. In the end though I got more scandal than I bargained for. I was torn between laughing at myself and crying at my tomfoolery.
  4. Whatever you do don’t sleep with the reporter covering the scandal. It never turns out well, which I learnt when I was told how my parents met.
  5. Finally, if possible, cause a shipwreck. In 1912 the Wallace family was besieged by rumors that the youngest son wanted to join a… theatre. So James Wallace sank the Titanic so he could kill his son in peace.

So that’s my advice for handling a scandal. Of course if none of that works out you may want to check out my other article on faking your own death:


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