The Benefits and Disadvantages of Befriending a Ghost

Well, you were spending last night in a haunted mansion with some friends to earn your inheritance from your dead Uncle, next thing you know you wake up with a new phone number on your phone. You call it hoping it’s just some girl or possibly a really funny looking duck who you gave a phone to. If only you were so lucky. No, when you call it you’re surprised to hear a whooshing sound and suddenly a chill runs down your spine. Your gut was right the entire time. Last night you made friends with a ghost. You stare down at the word ‘Historian’ flashing as Caller ID while thinking how you got ‘Historian’ and ‘Part of History’.

At first you cried, thinking, no! It couldn’t be! Maybe it’s just a very pale person. But there’s no way anybody alive could talk so much about Cleopatra. You make the mistake of not hanging up, suddenly you make plans to meet at your place! You always knew you had a knack for seeing the dead, ever since you saw the Sixth Sense and realized that you liked it. Sure you’ve never seen a ghost before, but you have seen Ghost the film.

You quickly make your way around the house, destroying all evidence of anything that could be considered offensive to ghost. You take down your poster of Ghost starring Patrick Swayze, you remove the ghost Pokémon from your deck, and you get rid of your favorite video game, Ghost Massacre 3. Just as you throw all of this stuff at a homeless man down the street you hear the doorbell ring.

Once you get the door you realize there’s a lot more substance to him, he seems mostly fully formed, the only giveaway to his ghostly ways is his white hair and beard. A definite sign of ghostliness.

You welcome him into your home, almost offering him cheese before you catch yourself. Everyone knows the dead are flatulent. He sits down on a chair in your dining room and begins helping himself to some cheese you left out! You should have realized all along! The dead can’t be flatulent! They’re dead!

You start off with small talk about his wife, kids, projects, favorite books, and wines.  Then you talk about your sims wife, sims kids, your progress in the sims, favorite angry birds games, and Mountain Dew Code Red. Then he starts talking about Cleopatra. Man he loves talking about Cleopatra. Then you realize something.

If he loves Cleopatra so much why doesn’t he just marry her? Then you realize something else. Cleopatra is dead. With this comes a third realization, when did this Cleopatra obsessor die?

You try and bring it up, asking him when he died. He gives you a blank stare, it must be awkward to ask these sort of questions to the dead. Instead you ask more safe question, how much money did you make? What’s your social security number? What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? Eventually the conversation feels safe again, him asking you questions about Cleopatra, you making the answers up.

Eventually you decide to go for broke and ask him once and for all because the question is eating you up inside.

“When did you die? I must know!” You yell in the Scottish accent you use whenever you get too curious.

“What?” He looks aghast.

“When did you… you know, become a ghost?”

“I’m not a ghost!”

“Then why do you love Cleopatra so much?”

“I’m writing a book on her! I’m a 50 year old man, with a wife and two kids, and you brought me here because you said you know all about Cleopatra!”

Then it all clicked. He wasn’t a ghost, there were clues you should have picked up hours ago. White beard and hair? Glasses? This was no ordinary ghost! This was someone much worse! You should have picked up the clues hours ago. He was a ghost in denial.

You tell him he doesn’t have to lie to you, that you will help him get in contact with the ghostbusters who can bring him eternal piece. But he just calls you crazy. He storms out, so angry he doesn’t even bother to phase through the door, instead opting to open up the door.

You stare down at your hands, aghast that you unleashed this now angry ghost onto the world. You decide to quit your job as a professional taco bell cashier, and dedicate your life to rehabilitating ghosts in denial.

No one will accept your loan request, but you can’t let people like that Cleopatra Obsessor feel alone in this world. So you decide to parachute out of a moving car to raise money. Unfortunately the laws of physics were against you and you were forced to take up a permanent stay in the Hospital. But you promise to yourself every night, as the cleaning lady steals your Jello, that this isn’t the last the world will hear of Jim DeathtoGhosts.



One thought on “The Benefits and Disadvantages of Befriending a Ghost

  1. ‘Everyone knows the dead are flatulent.’ Not me. And I thought I knew everything about flatulence.

    Yesterday I made a joke about the movie Ghost. This girl was describing a Whoopi Goldberg comedy where she was a financial whiz and nobody took her seriously because she was a woman, so she invented a male partner and used his name to get new business, and she said, ‘But I don’t remember the name of the film,’ and I said, ‘Oh, you mean Ghost.’ And everyone gave me a blank stare because none of them had seen Ghost. What? That was a very popular movie.


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