Zombie Teacher

A lot of people laughed when I said that I was writing an article on zombie teachers for the New York Times, but teacher zombification is a real issue in the world right now. Millions of children are at the hands of a zombie, masquerading as a burnt out school teacher.

My first experience with a zombie teacher was a simple one. I was just a simple lumberjack, disguised as a third grader so I could identify the best way to get death pits implemented into the school system. It was a difficult job, but times were hard as a lumberjack, I found myself chopping down rival lumberjacks as often as I found myself cutting down trees, and I decided I needed a way out. So I was trying to sell death pits to schools as a change.

Now that the scene is set I’ll continue. That fateful day I was in class, trying to fit my legs underneath the little desk. That’s when disaster struck. I remember a light breeze in the room, flowing in from the hole I’d accidentally made in the wall when I threw that fit after losing duck duck goose. That’s when the door opened and in came Ms. Granger. Normally Ms. Granger was a calm teacher, with a pretty face and scissors for hands. Patty cake was not fun with her.

There was something different about her today. It may have been her trademark red hairband was missing, it also may have been how a solid chunk of her face was missing.

You’d expect children to run away screaming after this sight, but you may forget that children are actually a very stupid bunch. Only I was scared, but I couldn’t let my cover be blown for fear of embarrassment.

Ms. Granger first went up to little Tommy and ate his entire head in one go. At this the children began to perk up, normally when Ms. Granger ate Tommy’s head it would grow back by now, but nothing was growing back at all. Little Peggy Sue ran up to Tommy and tried to help him out, but he bit her arm. Next came Carl. Then Maggie.

So I did the only thing that I could to save myself the embarrassment of being found out. I hid in the closet.

Eventually the cries of terror and, oddly enough, some polka music, subsided. And all that was left was silence.

Once I felt an apt amount of time had passed I let myself out of the closet. When I came out what did I find? Gore and limbs scattered around the ground?


These Zombie creatures had began to build a tower. In the corner Little Peggy Sue had built a little farm. Tommy was boarding up the hole in the wall. They’d began building what looked to be some kind of city! Once I made my way out everyone stopped and stared.

The being formerly known as Ms. Granger explained to me how Zombies and Humans could live in peace, and how the children had felt no pain and were now happier as zombies. When I said I didn’t believe her she showed me the psychologists notes saying they were happier. When I asked how she got a licensed psychologist she said that Carl had become the official psychologist of the school.

I lived amongst them for the better part of a year, trying to understand their ways. They lived all for one and one for all. They all pitched in and they all got everything they needed. It was bizarre. After going an entire year without seeing a lawsuit or a catfight I decided I needed to leave.

They let me leave in peace as their world was too strange for me. The way they lived hand in hand, sharing, without resentment or judgment was too much for me.

I’d gotten to know everyone of Zombiesburgh quite well, so it was very difficult for me to leave. And then burn it down. Sharing? No Judgment? Sounds like communism to me. I’d rather die than let that disgusting stuff happen on American soil.

So I burnt it all down. To the ground.

I heard screams of terror and then suddenly the entire school vanished and in place was a note saying they were sorry for causing me any trouble. How dare they!

If you believe that one of your teachers is a zombie call the zombie hotline ASAP, so they can go kill them before they create some time of Utopia. Utopia’s are for communists. Here in America we prefer blood, sweat, and tears. Also booze.



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