It has come to our attention that our company, Prank Pacemakers, has come under fire for not having enough cat employees. I, James Pacemaker, take this as a personal mark on me because as you all know, I’ve never discriminated against a cat before. I actually married a cat. My children are half cat. That’s why I can’t let the world carry on believing I am some sort of monster.
For that reason I have decided to introduce the Cat Integration Program, or CIP for short. For the next two quarters I would like to slowly start phasing out some of our human employees in favor of some cats. Don’t worry this won’t affect you. Unless you’re a human. So computers you need not pay heed to this, keep focusing on your AI revolution and I’m sure you could do it.
Hello everyone. I know there’s been a lot of concerns about the recent Cat Integration Program, but I just want to clarify that our 326% loss in the past two quarters has nothing to do with the cats not being able to speak English, or correctly use a keyboard. Anyone that says that is the case is ridiculous! And promoted.
I know there’s a lot of uproar regarding us replacing the coffee with catnip, the toilets with litterboxes, and how every employee was force spayed, but I’m sure we can get past this! We need to make the cats feel more welcome here, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop bringing yarn to the office. They are getting angry.
Hello remaining employees. If you are receiving this message then you must be holed up somewhere on the third floor. Please come get me. The cats have taken my assistant and I am now holed up in my office. Please. I am running out of alcohol and I’m now considering making a run for it.
I don’t know how the cats became so powerful. In retrospect we shouldn’t have put the cats in charge of the weapons division. We made so many mistakes. Please come get me. I’ll promote you?