James Rocket

“Hello. I am James Rocket. The first man to go to space” James Rocket found himself in the midst of a coughing fit. “I’m sorry, space mountain. I was the first person to go to space mountain while wearing a bear costume.” He said into the microphone, “I’m here because I have an announcement to make for you all to hear.” James looked out onto the gathered reporters.

“This one is a doozy. I know that I’ve announced this same thing before, but I’m going to say once and for all. The world is going to end. Tomorrow.” The assembled reporters groaned. Not this again. They were tired of hearing the old cult leaders announcements, but he was always so offensive their editors made them go.

“Mr. Rocket-“

“That’s Dr. Rocket to you! Also what are you doing here? I thought I specifically said no Cat reporters!”

The entire room gasped. How dare he? The year is 2045! There’s a cat in the Whitehouse now! The President had a cat named Mr. Waffles.

“Mr. Rocket,” The reporter continued, “Is it true that you are trying to marry your own pet monkey?”

“Ha! Mrs. Ooh-Ooh-Aah-Aah and I are merely friends! Until she gets that divorce from Proffessor BoBo. Besides I have had bigger fish to fry! I cured Cancer!” James Rocket exclaimed!

The room gasped. Not just because in the back of the room was Mrs. Ooh-Ooh-Aah-Aah crying to herself.

“Yes! I’ve done all the calculations, and if people stop mating between the end of September and October 15th we can end almost all cancer zodiac signs. No more poor children will be taunted for their zodiac sign being aligned with a terrible disease. By the way during this research I also found and accidentally released a much worse type of cancer.”

“Dr. Rocket-“

“That’s Mr. Rocket to you!”

“Um… Okay, Mr. Rocket. When would you say the earliest you could release all those prisoners from your dungeons could be?”

“Oh my god! Can’t we just forget about this? You know the Holy Spirit, Bourbon, recently said that it’s not a sin to kidnap people if you are sporting a rocking hot pair of sun glasses!” James Rocket pointed to his sunglasses. Then he realized he wasn’t wearing any. When he realized this he jumped down off the podium on which he was speaking and snatched a pair of sunglasses off a female reporters face.

“Any more questions?”

“Mr. Rocket-“

“Yes, my new album, James Rocket and Good Friend Kim Jong-Un, does get released tomorrow. Your welcome.”

“No, I was going to ask about the recent report about your tax-“

“This meeting is over. Fly birdy fly!” James pulled out a dove and threw it at the nearest reporter and then began to run. Unfortunately he tripped over one of the wires and fell to the ground. Then he covered his eyes and started saying if I can’t see you, you can’t see me.

Later that night headlines citywide were “Eccentric Weirdo Fails and Urinates his Pants.” James figured it was a resounding success.


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