An Assassin of Epic Proportions

“I swear to god Kevin, you are the worst assassin I have ever met.” Alex said. Alex was there to assassinate his wife, Amanda, who he was convinced was cheating on him with his pet dolphin. Kevin on the other hand was there to assassinate the king.

Alex was Kevin’s best friend, and the two of them had been trying to kill their targets for months. Unfortunately the two of them were not the best assassins, in fact they were as called in the assassin circles, the worst assassins. The two of them would go around and try to seduce the king, or kidnap Amanda’s pet dog, but all they ever ended up doing was somehow always ending up at Jeff’s Pasta with their pants gone and their hair dyed blue. So Kevin had decided to go about it a different way.

“I’m telling you, actually it’s a great idea! I’m going to slowly, over the next twenty years feed the king in bigger and bigger proportions until he dies.

“Kevin! He’s 70! He’s not going to live another twenty years!”

“Exactly, not with my plan!”

“Why don’t you just poison him? Or do what I’m doing?”

“Okay, I’m not going to dress up as a lady named Bernice and become the Kings confidante, like you’re doing with your wife. And poisoning him? That can be traced to me, everyone knows I poison everyone I don’t like. Like Ted.”

Kevin decided to leave the conversation at that, he’d go back to the kitchen and finish up the King’s meal. Unfortunately the two of them had decided to have this conversation on top of a tower. Man, they always picked the coolest spots, and then they always forgot it was nearly impossible to get down from places like this.

So two broken toes and a fracture pelvis later, Kevin was back in the kitchen making a nice soufflé, but little did the King know, Kevin had added 12% more sugar than necessary. At this rate in 17 years he’d be doubling the dose. Then 20 years down the line. The King would have developed some form of diabetes.

Kevin was so proud of himself. He was a real life Jim Deathblade, that assassin he’d accidentally shipped to Guatemala during a drunken round of poker.

10 years later Kevin found himself 13 years older, and the King 200 pounds fatter. His plan was working. Of course during this time the King had managed to imprison and torture hundreds of different people, but Kevin still felt pretty good about the entire situation. On the other hand Alex had married Amanda again, this time though disguised as Bernice.

Just another adventure in the ever spinning tapestry that is the life of Kevin Spaceface.


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