Much has been said over the years about Queen Elizabeth, but not as many people are aware of her illegitimate daughter, who through an intense game of poker, became the Queen of England.
Elizabeth Tudors daughter was born Queen Ellezabeth, Queen being her first name. Queen Ellezabeth war not as popular nor as influential as her mother. Her most important reformation was the Murderers Tax, wherein murderers were taught taxidermy.
Her term wasn’t entirely useless though. She did valiantly deliver a speech, as the Spanish Armada approached. That was the first recorded rendition of “Old McDonald Had a Farm”. Immediately afterwards the Spanish seized control over England.
During those years Queen Ellezabeth wasn’t kept in the dungeons like every other political figure. No, she was used for entertainment for the Spaniards. They’d bring her onstage and take her lizard from her, and she’d just spend the next three, four hours looking for it. The Spaniards are a strange people.
When the Spanish eventually left because of the awful weather, and even worse people, Queen Ellezabeth became queen again, just because she was the only official who had not been murdered.
Queen Queen Ellezabeth decided to take her next reign by the horns. So she unleashed hundreds of bulls into London, in the hope it would inspire the Londoners. Instead the bulls gorged thousands of Londoners to death. Some consider this her most ethically correct action.
The Londoners were angry, but were too busy being attacked by the Loch Ness Monsters cousin, Stephen, to impeach her. In an attempt to ward off the eventual impeachment, the queen released a new peach hybrid that killed anyone that touched it. This was bound to stab her in the back though. One night the queen received a letter from a courier detailing a tragedy that had struck the night before.
Queen Queen Ellezabeth was devastated, and not just because her favorite sports team had lost. She’d also lost someone she’d always considered a daughter. Her daughter. Her own daughter had been picking peaches to throw at her servants, when all of a sudden she accidentally touched one of her mother’s genetically engineered peaches. The peach grew into a ninja star and then shot her to death.
Not knowing how to proceed, the queen did what she knew how to do best. Unfortunately there are no documents showing her being good at anything, so historians still do not know what she did. All we know is the next month she stepped down as queen. And stepped up as Grand Master Sash, and released her next album, Grand Master Sash with best friend Kim Jong Un: Don’t tell Adele.
So the Hip Hop years began in England, some refer to these years as the dark ages. Because Grand Master Sash was throwing out so many great lines that it was darkening the sky! Also because of a lack of effective policy the black plague was back. Which she contracted while touring the city, laughing at dying people.
So Queen Ellezabeth died. There’s no joke here. The death of monarchs is nothing to joke about. Unless you have a really good one. Then email it to me. Because I got nothing.