6:27pm By Trent Jones
CLEARWATER, BT -It was reported that at 11 o’clock last night, a floating bear claw exited a 7/11 while carrying a broken camel saddle. About an hour later a city official arrived at the location to receive his weekly bribes, only to find the entire store devoid of snow cones. The next thing he noticed was the room had blood splatters on the ground.
The New York Thymes reports that the officer then went into the back room, but not before “stealing the best tasting herb, thyme”. In that room he apparently found a confession written by the bear claw. An insider at the Police Department, who’d prefer not to be named, named Kevin Marx informed us that the top Bear Claw translator was on the case.
More on this story as it develops.
8:43pm By Trent Jones’ Clone
CLEARWATER, BT-The story has developed. The confession note has been translated as follows.
I’m tired of being discriminated against as a Bear Claw, say goodbye to your gas station employee. Unless you want to get him. The address is 5383 Mango Hill and its not a trap. I repeat the words again. Not a trap.
The police are confused. “Why would he be so kind as to not set a trap for us?” Chief TigerClaw says, “It just doesn’t add up. That’s why we’re bringing him a ‘cake’. The ‘cake’ will be filled to the brim with frosting. So it’s really just a big ball of frosting. Anyway, has anyone seen my gun?” Great words from a truly average police chief.
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12:04am by Trent Jones’ Clone’ Clone
CLEARWATER, BT- In a stunning turn of events, it turns out that the bear claw had set a trap in the first place!
“We didn’t see it coming.” Said the police’s top criminal analyst, “He said that he wouldn’t set a trap. It’s a dark day for the police department, and not only because we accidentally blocked out the sun with our arrows.”
The Bear Claw is holding the police officers and gas station employee in his home. Currently they are reportedly “eating pizza and watching the tube”, says a police officer that escaped during a bathroom break. The officer quickly ducked back in, because “Spoiler alert: I think Vader might be Luke’s father. I need to see, so I’m going back into the party”.
As Trent Jones’ Clone’s Clone, I must ask the question on all of our minds: Why wasn’t I invited to this party?
1:14am by Trent Jones’ Clone’s Clone’s Dog.
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1:23am by Trent Jones’ Clone’s Clone’s Dog’s Dogsitter
CLEARWATER, BT- In another even more shocking turn of events, we have lost Trent Jones’ Clone’s Clone. Unfortunately, Police report seeing him as well as Trent Jones and Trent Jones’ Clone, all sneaking into the Bear Claws house with a 6 pack of beer. One begins to wonder, Am I just a dog sitter to them? They wouldn’t invite me to the party? Fine.
I’m having my own party at their house. 3484 Mangrove Road. We’ll have the real party. The best party. For years people will speak about just how cool the party was.
2:58am by Trent’s Uncle
CLEARWATER, BT- Despite the fact that neither Trent nor his clones invited me to any of the outings, I still feel a need to report the news. The Beverly Hills Beat has received confirmation, that the President of Beverly Hills has issued a command to both Trent Jones’ Clone’s Clone’s Dog’s Dogsitter, as well as the floating Bear Claw, that he should be invited to their parties.
Rumors that the Bear Claw’s mother forced him to invite his little sister, are causing dozens of partygoers to migrate to the Dogsitters party.
3:27am by Trent’s Uncle’s Clone
CLEARWATER, BT – I’m pleased to announce that this whole business can now be safely put behind us. 20 minutes ago two of the cops tried to microwave their guns at Bear Claws house. Luckily, no-one survived.
Their feelings now feeling less emotional, the Dogsitter’s party retired, agreeing to “I’m glad we literally killed everyone at that other party”.
This has been the Beverly Hill Beat. Make sure to check our other articles on Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga? Or 7 Relaxing Ways to Climb the Buisness Ladder Through Brown Nosing Your Boss. Who’s a Horse.