From the Diary of Sir Edward Yankiedoodle

March 23rd 1607


Today we set sail from England for adventure. Also because they kicked us out. Fine. The Royal Expedition Society said ‘You owe us thousands of pounds, we’re going to limit your membership and take half your paychecks. Also kill you.’ We don’t need them. I have my savings, my brother-in-law’s small fortune, and my other brother-in-law’s boat. Which I stole. Unfortunately the first brother-in-law has decided to send a man, Carl, to ensure I don’t do anything ‘rambunctious’. I’ve gotten a bad reputation in my family for being rambunctious. Mostly because of that horse I kidnapped named Rambunctious.

March 26th 1607


Supplies are running low for the expedition. In hindsight food and water probably should have been a higher priority than a solid gold poker chip set, but I think I found a couple of dolphins who might be willing to trade.

In the meantime, Carl’s being a complete Jerk. “Edward? Where are we going?” or “Edward? How come we only have two crew members?” or “Edward? How come you and Cthulhu are such good friends?” Friggin’ Amatuer.

Anyway, if worst comes to worst I will eat him. I’m sure the Royal Expedition Society will understand, half of those farts got there through cannibalism.


March 30th 1607


Land ahoy! Is what I wish I could say, we are still at sea.

The dolphins I was going to trade with decided to take the chips and swim. So now instead of passing the time playing Poker during a storm, we now have to spend our time keeping the boat afloat. If the Royal Expedition Society heard about that? I’d be laughed at.


March 33rd 1607


Land ahoy! This time for real! It’s a little bit strange, because there’s not supposed to be anything here except for the floating remains of my grandfathers undead army.

Whatever though. I’m an expeditionidite. I’m cultured, I’ve added smallpox to the blankets of the best of them! So I’m going in. The Royal Expedition Society is going to be so jealous. They’ll all ask: “Did you add smallpox to their blankets?” and I’ll be like “Did the founder of our society commit a quadruple homicide?” and then they’d be all like “What?” and I’d say “Yes.”


Smargul 37th 1607


This place is… interesting. I always forget every time I travel to foreign lands, how many foreigners there are. Always surprising.

We found a small village, and rented the services of a man named “Creminal”. We found him in the strangest place, this little room enclosed by bars. I’m not quite sure if I understand this “culture”. Regardless, he knows how to speak fluent English as well as Smarlugian, so he will be our translator. I’m a little worried about his translating skills. When I told him we couldn’t pay him with the ‘my parents inheritance was stolen by a rich count who just wanted to see the world burn’ story, and he said “The only payment I need is the blood of my vanquished enemies. Also a puppy named Steve.’ Obviously something has been lost in translation. Who would name a puppy Steve?

Anyway, he suggested a very nice “safehouse” to hide in and we’re sleeping there now. It’s strange, his snores sound a lot like screams.


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