Smargul 38th 1607
Welp! Creminal disappeared last night. We should have seen this coming, that’s what you get for outsourcing your help. All he left was a bloodstain on the floor, and a note requesting our help. I’ve decided the new best man for the job will be my pet goldfish Albert. Sure he doesn’t speak Smarlugian or English, but he’s got a can-do attitude that I can’t wait to see crushed.
Smargul 38th (night) 1608
I have never been treated so rudely in my life! I, a renowned explorer who’s traveled though the seven seas, and the eighth sea only we explorers know about, was the blunt of an entire rotten tomato attack. Why? Why would they attack us with such vile weapons? Is it because of our attractiveness? Because I accidentally set fire to their tavern? And then when that wouldn’t spread, the bank? No! The crazy thing is, apparently we released a criminal last night from the prison zoo!
I tried to explain to these fool locals that it wasn’t a criminal, but our good friend Creminal. They just said, (as translated by Albert) “Glub Glub Glub.” Well anyway, we were just about to give them a parting gift of blankets, when all of a sudden we see our good friend Creminal about to be hanged! We can’t let this happen! I’d already started collecting the blood of his vanquished enemies!
So we did what any self-respecting Expeditionite would do. We put on a musical on the other side of town, so the other half of our crew could break him out of this mockery of justice.
We’re still rehearsing right now. Carl has proved he has quite a flair for theatrics, so I’ve decided he’ll be playing a tree. Albert on the other hand is the rising star of our expedition, so he and his plastic bag will be the female lead. Jake, our tall dark and mysterious crew member, will be playing the male lead. Forion.43, our small, grey, and metallic crew member, will be doing lights and sound.
Meanwhile, I, singlehandedly will break Creminal out of the jail cell in which he was wrongly imprisoned. Note to self, learn what “Triple murdercide” means in English.
If I don’t make it back tonight, I want you to know: I did it, I killed all of them!
April 3rd 1607
We did it! We got Creminal back and managed to get a 3 ½ star rating in the town paper (which is just written in the mud every morning), I still stand by what I said earlier that they don’t know what they’re talking about! It was not low brow, it was high taste, especially the fart doctor scene.
Regardless, we thanked them with our blankets, purchased some food and a brand new golden poker set. We’ll begin trekking this afternoon to an ancient temple. Which we will rob.
April 5th 1607
It’s been a rough couple of days, but things have finally calmed down enough for me to update my expedition log.
Unfortunately our leave of town wasn’t as… relaxed as we would have liked. Instead we were chased out of the town. Some people just cannot take a good ol’ fashioned bank robbing. It’s frustrating to say the least.
Creminal is not quite as useful as I would have liked, there aren’t very many Smarlugian’s here, but Creminal is strangely good at hunting and then skinning animals. I’d say I was concerned, but let’s be honest I’m not.
Forion.43 and I got into a bit of a fight when he realized that the water he’d been dragging about for the last day and a half was for my shower and not for drinking. When the rest of the team heard the ruckus and oddly enough sided with Forion.43 I, being the great conflict resolutionist that I am, decided to dump the water on the ground because, to quote the great found of the Royal Expedition Society, Martin Migglepuff “If I can’t have it no one can.”
Oddly enough this didn’t seem to smooth things over with the crew, in fact things got even more difficult. Jake started muttering under his breath in some language I’m sure wasn’t English, and Forion.43 said, “I don’t even have an anger circuit programmed, but I am genuinely considering beating you to death with a hammer!” I’ll admit I was scared at first but then I realized, where’s he going to get a hammer? I didn’t pack any supplies!
Anyway we were attacked by a lion. Sure it ripped off Creminal’s left arm, but don’t worry! He’s finally got a pet! We’ve named the lion Steve, and if we feed him every 2-3 hours, he’s probably not going to eat us. According to Jake, who somehow knows quite a bit about nature. Note to self: Investigate Jake as an undercover botanist.
Whatever though, Jake is using something he calls “The Dark Arts” to heal Creminal’s stump. Oddly enough Jake’s hands seem to be glowing as he does it. I’d say I was concerned he was sick but I’m not.
The Royal Expedition Society is going to be so jelly when they hear of all the interesting things that have happened. I put Creminal’s arm in the sample box for investigation later! I am glad we got a sample of the Smarlugian’s, now I don’t have to cut off Creminal’s arm myself.
Forion.43 is scavenging for water and a better place for shelter, while I look for firewood. Crap! Firewood! I realize I just lost a valuable amount of time writing Crap! Firewood! and now this sentence when I could have just gone and gotten the firewood. Which is what I’m going to do now.
April 6th 1607
In retrospect we should’ve purchased a map.
April 7th 1607
So far no real sign of the pyramid, but in a bid to find it we have begun our ascent of the mountains. Hopefully within a couple of days we’ll make it to the top.
Supplies were running low so we grabbed a couple berries, filled our canteens with water, and Steve and Jake killed a Gorilla. We retroactively named him Harambe. Right now everyone’s searching for supplies for tonight’s camp while I have to pick out tonight’s bedtime story. I’m thinking Cavemonster Kevin, or Peter Pan.
In related news, the Royal Expedition Society will like to know we have gone more than two weeks without having to resort to cannibalism! My new record!
Carl is becoming a bit of a neusance. He keeps claiming that Creminal could sue us for the loss of his arm, and then I have to remind him we’ll just use the Royal Expedition Society’s policy of killing anyone that does that.
Well, I’m off for tonight, I think I’ve decided on a masterful rendition of Cavemonster Peter Pan. It’s the same story my father told me every night. With the cave people massacres and the gruesome decapitations, as well as it’s recommendation that all adventurers stay away from caves at the risk of their heads being chewed off, it’s the perfect tale for the evening.
April 8th 1607
I’m writing this entry by the light of candle. It has been a very eventful day. Apparently Steve is not welcome on this mountain because of some kind of act of war against the Leopards. We’re hiding in a cave now. For some reason everyone here seems to be afraid of caves, but I’ve had no luck tracing the origin of this fear.
Regardless, I fear we must press on deeper into the caves, as it seems like while we’ve been hiding in here the Leopards have invented fire just so they can smoke us out. I’d be pretty impressed if I wasn’t so scared. I feel like though, it would have been much better for them to invent cigarettes to smoke us out, so I sent Creminal with a note containing my suggestion.
My plan in the long run is for them to become so embarrassed that they didn’t invent cigarettes instead that they will invent cigarettes, then they’ll begin to smoke them to in turn smoke us out. Ha! Those fools we’ll all laugh! And within 40 to 50 years the whole lot of them will have lung cancer and will be dead! Then we’ll claim victory!
Sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t proclaimed strategist of the Royal Expedition Society. Was it my no-can-do attitude? My sleeping with Martin Migglepuff’s wife? Or was I just too damn hot for them to handle?
Regardless, the moral of the story is I am great. Right now Carl, Forion.43, Jake, and I are playing boggle while awaiting Creminal’s return. Don’t worry about Steve, we found the old remains of some long dead travelers with “Roy l Expditin Socity” printed on their clothing for Steve to eat. We’ll never know what the “Roy I Expditin Socity” really is because some of the lettering is missing, but I have a hunch it’s some sort of sports team. They’re always getting themselves in some zany situations.
I think I can hear Creminal screaming so I’m going to return to the real world for now!
April 9th 1607
The Leopards liked the idea! In fact, they’ve offered me a position on the task force to smoke the expeditionites out of the cave! I’m conflicted because I’ve been a longtime associate of the expeditionites, but when lady opportunity comes a knocking, it’s rude to send her off without even a quick fist fight.
I’m conflicted. There’s so much internal strife within me. I am a dark character with lots of motivations and conflictions and am three dimensional.
In other news Steve the lion has discovered a treasure chest! When we opened it I was personally hoping for more blankets which I could infect with small pox, but I guess gold and ruby’s and such are okay.
Forion.43 has offered to carry it for us because he claims “I am programmed to carry more than you can even imagine.” I laughed in his face. He can carry more than 7?
Will he join the Leopards? Will Forion.43 reveal his true identity to the crew? Will Steve get funding for his new musical? Find out in the next installment of: Sir Edwards Exploration!