A note to the people who have been taking my sandwiches from the fridge. Stop.
Obviously you haven’t stopped you thief. I know it seems like a lot of fun to see me all riled up, and trust me I’m very used to people riling me up just for my reaction. Like when my wife said she would leave me this morning, she just wanted to see a reaction and she’ll be back anytime. I expect the sandwich or it’s equivalent to be returned by noon.
Welp! Neither my wife nor my sandwich showed up. Is this you Ted? Are you the one stealing my sandwich? I know I have a life you’ve always desired, but please don’t take my sandwich. In fact, if you return my sandwich I will give you an entire two week sandwich making seminar. Free of charge plus the $50 dollar tax. Please. You are tearing my family apart.
Okay. Ted. I swear to friggin’ god I’m going to eat you alive. And then once that’s done I’m going to steal your goddamn sandwich. How’re you going to feel when you’re excited for your sandwich, and then you open the fridge and there is no sandwich? And then out of nowhere your wife leaves you because of your “sandwichobsession”. Also then you discover your gay. Because of the sandwich. I hope your prepared for that.
Ted has come to me personally and said he hasn’t taken the sandwich, also something about me being gay. I don’t know where he got that idea, but it’s not true. Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s you Kevin. I’m just saying very simply Kevin, return my sandwich or I will steal your firstborn son.
I understand, I make very good sandwiches, but please don’t result to thievery. Steal something like Angela’s soup. Just kidding, I poisoned that soup so if you take it you’ll die. Someone please tell Angela not to eat her soup. And if that doesn’t happen please take down this message.
Kevin, I swear to god if you want to see your son Kevin Jr. again I want my sandwich. Noon, roof of the building.
Welp! This is embarrassing, in my drawer I found my sandwich. I want to apologize to Kevin and his entire family. I’d like to note if you tell HR about this it’s a “prank”. Also someone please check on Angela, she hasn’t been answering her phone calls.