Kevin, it has come to my attention that some of my behavior towards you has been deemed “inappropriate” and “arguably illegal”, which is why I am sending this apology note to you. As a bit of an apology gift, I instructed my wife (your ex-wife) to deliver the letter to you, she also brought the kids (your ex-kids) so you can say hello to them.
As far as apologies go, I think it’s fair to say that this is going to be one of the best apologies ever, definitely better than that stupid apology letter you sent me last year after accidentally spilling fruit punch on my favorite robe. In that letter you questioned why I was wearing a bath robe to work, I was so angered by this question I decided to inflict revenge and ruin your life. So, if you think about it this entire affair is 100% your fault.
I don’t blame you though, as I am an entirely forgiving person. I bet now you wish you had been more forgiving to your wife after she told you she was leaving you for me, because if you had I’m sure you’d still get to see the children sometimes. I hope, now that you’ve learnt your lesson, that you can forgive me for stealing your wife in the first place. I’d definitely like to apologize for that, but in my defense, it was a very nice bath robe that you ruined.
It’s okay though, because remember when your wife left you I gave you some nice champagne as an apology? You were so happy! I’d say it was one of the best moments for our relationship. I’d say when you discovered the champagne was poisoned was probably one of the worst moments. Don’t worry though, in a respectful move by me, your champagne only caused blindness in one eye. You’re welcome. I bet Steve from sales wishes he got that deal. Regardless, I’d like to apologize for that. Real party foul by me.
In case you don’t remember I’ll remind you what happened next, just for the full apology effect. You really liked Miranda from HR, and understandably so (she’s a foxy lady. Not just because she is 25% fox). So, me being the hilarious guy I am, sprayed a bottle of my own urine on your pants just as she walked in. You were called Pee Pants for months. I want to apologize for that. I’m really sorry you were called Pee Pants. I could have come up with something much better. Like the Peed Piper or something.
At the end of the day, I want to apologize. Because I have to.
Jeff from Management.