Supreme Leader Jeff’s address to the UN assembly:
Being a dictator is hard! I’m always waking up, hoping I wasn’t assassinated during the night. Have you ever felt that type of fear/nausea before? I’ll admit the nausea may have been more the Indian food I ate the night before, but I don’t feel that’s related. Stop this witch hunt.
I know I’ve always denounced the UN’s ways. You may bring things up like the time I said, “The UN stands for Universally Not-Not-Dumb” or the time I had that Super Cool Party that you weren’t invited to. I want to apologize though, because the only reason I did those things was because I had basically zero real understanding of what the UN does. In fact, I still don’t know.
Regardless, I have been told you hold considerable power. I don’t know whether you had to buy up all of your countries power plants, rewrote the history books, and brutally murdered thousands of enemies like I did, but don’t worry I won’t judge. It doesn’t matter though, for I have come to request aid for my little city state.
I know you will all laugh at me at you’re little UN parties, I know you will say things like “Supreme Leader Jeff has great pecs, but also he’s incompetent at running a nation”, and though I agree with the pecs part I don’t feel very good at the incompetency bit. It’s okay though, I just expect a written apology from everyone who said such a thing. I hope you realize though, that my nation must really be in trouble if I’m willing to risk your scorn. And let me tell you I know all about your scorn. I’m good friends with Kim Jong Un, by the way guys, you really are hurting his feelings.
Think of my poor nation. Struggling. What can they do? They have no power! They all wish they had money, but unfortunately a rich businessman purchased all the money. Hey! Don’t heckle me! This is the UN. And by the way I am technically a businessman, I have a law degree from Supreme Leader Jeff University.
Please. Please. Help my nation. I know there have been rumors circling about how I’m going to use this money, but I guarantee you there is no chance that whatever money you give me will go towards building a golden statue of myself. It’s not true. If, hypothetically, that were to happen you can trust me that I would make it out of some high class material like the bones from my political rivals.