What Happened to the Past?

 

What happened to the past? Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday things were different? Like maybe less smelly or better dressed? What happened to the yesterday’s of yore? Have things changed so much that we just can’t have another yesterday?

I say no. Hi. I’m Jimmy Powerstache and I’m here to talk about my campaign for Governor of  Clearwater. A lot of my opponents will question why I’m running for Governor when it’s only a city. They’ll ask things like, ‘Don’t you mean Mayor’ and ‘Governor is in charge of a state, not city’. I’m just going to ask you, do you really think we should have someone in charge who doesn’t believe Clearwater can have a Governor? I personally believe that we should try and shoot for the stars, but if you really want to vote for someone who hates dreams go ahead.

Now I know I may not be “qualified”, but do you have to be qualified if your innately better than your opponent? If my opponent wanted to win, why does she have such paltry facial hair? Think about our greatest Americans, note how they all have facial hair; President Abraham Lincoln, National Park Enthusiast Teddy Roosevelt. Poet Walt Whitman, and Traveler Gandalf the Grey. I know people, like my opponent, will say Gandalf is not really American, but I’m sure if he was still alive he’d want to be an American. We have the best Pro-Wizard Laws in the world.

Finally, I’d like to note I have some very dynamic policies. Notably my plan to finally end the strife caused by the Rocky Mountains. When I say dynamic, I mean the root of the word. Dynamite. I would use dynamite to blow up the Rocky Mountains. No more Rocky Mountain Fever. Some doctors will say that’s not a real disease, but my first move in office will be to replace all of those doctors with doctors who will agree with everything I say.

Jimmy Powerstache’s Clearwater? Your Clearwater.

JIMMY POWER RESERVES ALL RIGHTS TO ACTUALLY TAKE CLEARWATER AWAY FROM YOU. DUE TO A MISINTERPRETATION OF A CALL TO ARMS YOU MAY BE ASKED TO HAVE YOUR ARMS REMOVED TO BUILD A GIANT TELEPHONE. DO NOT EXPECT JIMMY TO READ OR WRITE LAWS. HE IS ILLITERATE. NOTE VOTING FOR JIMMY MAY CAUSE HEART DISEASE OR A MILD CASE OF DEATH.
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