Death to Scandugia!

I felt bad of course, sending all of my best soldiers to their deaths, but for your country sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Why did it have to be this way? Why did the war with the Scandugions get so bad? Was it when I accidentally spoiled the ending for Harry Potter for their leader? Or was it when I nuked their cities? I don’t know. But I did know I had to do something to get them back.Read More »

Steve’s One Man Show

Jeff and his friends gather anxiously around the stage, both eager and a little fearful to see the one man show their friend Steve was about to perform.

They’d been friends with him for years, which is why they didn’t break off their friendship when they discovered it was going to be an “Exploration of my emotions.” So now they were here, ready to witness the fruition of the past three months of Steve’s life. Jeff wished to himself that Alice could be here. Alice had killed herself the day before, after being forced to go to one of the dress rehearsals. Some say there wasn’t a correlation, but there was.Read More »

Surprise Surgeon!

For years the people of Wizard City have spoken in hushed voices in the corners of crowded bars, and not just because anyone that I hear talk when I’m karaoking I savagely beat. No, because in those hushed moments between my renditions of Immortality by Celine Dion these grizzled men discuss the urban legend we’ve all come to both love and fear. The Surprise Surgeon.

It all started 12 years ago, when I first started karaoke. It was just an average night in Murder City, the streets glowed with the light of the full moon. Also the radiation that the government pumped into the ground below us. One man, that we all now know as Craig, because that’s his name, found himself a blackout drunk. Next thing he knew he was awake in a ditch with a splitting headache. And not his usual ditch either, a completely different ditch than he’d normally fall asleep in.Read More »

The 4 Main Tenants of Humanities Main Sport

For years humanity solved its conflicts through wars and battles and such. Finally though, they decided there had to be another way to solve issues. So they invented Garminar a game invented to solve international conflicts in a more peaceful way. Unfortunately, Garminar is arguably significantly more violent than normal warfare. For those looking to solve arguments with their friends, or possibly to harm someone, both emotionally and physically, here are the main tenants of Garminar.

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The Last of the DooDoo Bird

Many people have forgotten the plight of the meek DooDoo Bird, but it’s tale shall always be a reminder. A reminder that humans are the best damn species out there and are not to be trifled with.

In 1823 explorer Henry Machete, his two sons, and their pet monkey discovered the Island of Mystery. Which is what they named it. See, that’s why you shouldn’t let explorers name their discoveries. At least that’s our perspective here in Ifounditfirstsuckitcraigsville. 3 years later they returned with an entire exploration party. After the party was over, they decided to explore the island further.Read More »

My Career as a Scarecrow

A lot of people expect a lot from a scarecrow. They expect them to scare away crows, other birds, and also to eat small children when they get too difficult. It’s a lot of pressure especially for a job that’s most famous for not having any brains.

I started off my career as a sort of businessman. I ran my own small business where I discovered a lot about myself and the world. The biggest lesson I’d probably say is that an experience in biology and science is more important than my natural charisma when it comes to producing medicine for a pharmaceutical company.Read More »