The Legend of the River People

For years tales have been swapped of the River People. No-one knows where the River People get their name, but it is said that every time they appear, they come out of the river. For generations, I have heard people from around here tell story after story about the River People, but I think it’s time that I tell you their true story.

Two-hundred years ago, I was a young boy by the name of Donkey Dan, because of my massive donkey teeth, which I stole from a donkey. I messed around like all the other kids: we’d play tag, hide and seek, and let’s-throw-bricks-into-store-windows. Everything changed for me though, when one day, while sleeping, I noticed a tapping on my window. At first I thought it was just another angry villager who’d discovered that I’d been impersonating him for tax reasons, but to my surprise it was one of the River People.

You may wonder how I could tell the difference between normal people and River People. There are a lot of subtle differences: The River People have a bit of an odor around them as well as a tendency to grow big bushy beards. Also they have robotic arms.

The River Person motioned for me to follow him. Now, my parents always told me not to follow strangers tapping on your window at night, but hey! They had me, so what do they know?

The River Person and I traveled for three hours, walking, running, and dancing our way from the city. Eventually the River Person and I made it to a small alcove right near the river. That’s when I finally got why they were called the River People. Because they were like humanoids! They were the River People! I was dumbfounded.

Together, the two of us sat in silence around a bunch of burning logs. What a strange invention! It gave off both warmth and light. Eventually the River Person broke the silence by standing up and throwing a thin string with a worm on the end attached to a thin stick into the river. Friggin’ Crazy stuff.

After a while, his bizarre invention somehow managed to catch some sort of fish like creature. It seemed just like our fish, but there was a definite River Person element to it.

The River Person brought out this weird thing he called a “pan”. I was astounded when he spoke English because it sounded quite similar to the people in my city and my household. This pan thing though, let me tell you, it sure was friggin’ crazy! He put this fish thing on the ‘pan’, and then put the ‘pan’ over the burning log thing. Somehow the ‘pan’ cooked the fish! Maybe the River People weren’t so crazy after all!

I was having a lot of fun, but then this River Person brought out this weird invention called a ‘tent’, it was a little canvas hut. It was getting late, so we both slept in it. You might consider this weird, but there was a definite thing about him that reminded me of my dad.

We woke up early the next morning and packed everything in. Despite my insistence he walked me home, and then right when we were about to go inside the home he made me promise ‘Not to tell Mom.’ I wouldn’t tell mom, ever since my Dad and I had gone camping and he’d lost his normal arm, decided to grow a beard, and stopped wearing deodorant she didn’t like us going camping.

The strange thing was our adventure didn’t end there. He stayed in my home until I graduated from the coal mines. Coincidentally he joined right when my Dad mysteriously disappeared. When I told everyone that I hadn’t seen Dad, they all laughed at me. It was okay though, because the River Person had a lot in common with my old dad, making the entire thing a whole lot easier.

Man, if he and my Dad had ever met they would have hit it off.


3 thoughts on “The Legend of the River People

    • Exactly. See that’s the problem with most people committing tax fraud. They try and pay LESS taxes. But the IRS will never catch you if you pay MORE taxes. Boom. You just beat the system.


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