In US history there are few people as infamous Ben Backstab, the best Backstabber to ever stab someone’s back. I remember playing “Ben Backstab” as a child, I’d always play with this neighborhood kid who I did not like. We’d both be playing around, maybe playing tag or something, when all of a sudden I’d “Ben Backstab” him. He’d always scream and scream and try and get the knife lodged in his back out. I’d tell him that if he couldn’t take the pain then he shouldn’t play Ben Backstab! And then he’d say “What the hell is Ben Backstab? Get me an ambulance” And I’d walk away because I didn’t want to play with a sissy.
Regardless, Ben Backstab is a real national treasure, which is why I think he’d be great for the new $27 bill. Now I know this esteemed committee might think that a 27 dollar bill is unnecessary, but think about this. You’re just an average joe, you’ve been working all day and all you want is a nice piece of gum, so you go into the store and you pick out a piece of gum! The clerk says it’s $27! Oh no! You don’t want to have to spend all that time getting a twenty, a five, and two two’s! So you go home without the gum and you get murdered. I bet if you’d had the gum you could have shared it with the murderer and you wouldn’t be dead now. Too late though.
Obviously that’s a bit of a silly scenario, because gum is disgusting, but the moral of the story is, who would epitomize the $27 dollar bill more than the man who stole hundreds of thousands worth of $27 dollar bills? Who can forget the time that Ben Backstab pretended like he was going to bring those million dollars to our neighbors in space, the Slamborgains and then pocketed the money for himself! Using that money he built a perfect bunker to withstand the Slamborgian War incurred by not giving them that money. Think about how symbolic it would be, 27 dollars, for the 27 years of war he caused!
So I plead with you, esteemed committee, that you put this national hero in the place he deserves. Not in the prison in which you were going to execute him before he literally stabbed every one of the guards in the back, but instead put him on the 27 dollar bill, where he belongs.