Zombies have never been more popular than they are now, except for the brief period in 1992 when the Saved by the Bell cast contracted rabies and played eight episodes as zombies. Despite what most people think today, scientists say that there is a 100% chance that it is possible there could be a zombie outbreak someday in the next thousand years. Those are chances you don’t want to bet on. You don’t want to be the only one without some kind of bunker when the apocalypse hits, all of your friends will talk about you behind your back. Will, James, and McKenzie will all be like “Man, Kevin is so lame!” and you’ll pretend like you didn’t hear them, but you totally did. Also you’ll die. So here are my tips to surviving a zombie apocalypse:
- Try befriending the zombies. A lot of people enter the zombie apocalypse with a very violent approach to meeting zombies. Think about it the same way you’d think about meeting a girl. Try and befriend her before resorting to murdering her. Who knows? Maybe you’ll become good friends with the zombies, and then you and the zombies can have a party and Will, James, and McKenzie won’t be invited.
- Start some sort of community college for the zombies. Think about it. Why do so many zombies want brains? Obviously it has something to do with the education system and how it’s directed at children and not zombies. If children need education so much then why don’t they just marry it?
- Make an attempt to discover some sort of zombie tailored drink. A lot of people don’t realize it, but capitalism can be a much stronger weapon than a gun. Create some sort of super nice drink that they must have, and then they won’t kill you because they so desperately want you to keep making them this wonderful drink. And then while they’re drinking it you use the gun.
- Finally, try seducing some sort of zombie queen. I know this sounds disgusting because queens are weirdos, but think about all the zombie respect you’d get. A lot of people don’t realize this but the biggest danger in a zombie apocalypse is a loss of respect, both inner and outer. If you want to avoid this step, you can, but beware the challenges of a lack of self-respect.
I hope this helps you in the eventual zombie apocalypse that me and my son are trying to start. If this is a couple thousand years in the future and I am your overlord then there is no cure. If my rat bastard son is the overlord then the cure is alcohol, ginger, and horse manure mixed together. Read this next paragraph after trying it!
Ha! That cure didn’t do anything but make you drink horse poo! I’m kidding by the way, there is no cure. You will die as will the Human Race! Best prank ever!