What If I Told You…

What if I told you that the leader of the United States was actually a beaver? I know this sounds like an unlikely situation, namely because beavers have pretty low intelligence and also are notoriously bad at foreign policy (who can forget the Leave it to Beaver incident of ’93), but think about it for a second. How come you never see any beavers in Washington DC? Simple. To ensure that our leader’s identity remain a secret, all his relations had to be killed. Doesn’t it just make sense?

Here’s something to think about. Beaver’s are the world’s number one dam builder. You know who likes to build dams? The government. Case and point.


What if I told you that Abraham Lincoln was actually a Russian Spy sent back in time in the hopes he could stop the cold war? I know this doesn’t sound very likely, but what if I told you that it was actually confirmed by Scientist. Scientist Carmichael, my three-year-old son, said “Five is red.” Think about that. Five, as in the five-dollar bill which Lincoln is on, and Red as in the communist. It doesn’t get any more definitive than that.


What if I told you that the leading killer in the United States is water? Would you believe me? You’re probably shaking your head right now and saying to yourself “Kevin’s finally gone off the deep end due to all that poison we fed him!”. First off, I knew you were poisoning me! Second off, what’s so crazy about water killing people?

Think about this, 100% of people who have died have drunk water. Does that seem like the kind of statistic you can just make up? No. Scientists all over the world have backed me up. “Swimming in water can kill you if you drown and don’t have a lifeguard around” says one scientist. Another scientist says “How did you get my phone number?” That’s the type of hard hitting scientific evidence that more Americans need.

Here’s another fact. Did you know that water rhymes with slaughter? Does that seem like some sort of coincidence to you? No. Our alien overlords were trying to tell us something when they designed our language.

This is why I propose we go on a water strike for the rest of our lives. I’ll be starting tomorrow if anyone cares to join me.


Jeffery Carmichael’s Last Post Before His Mysterious Untimely Death


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