This City Needs a Hero. And if That Doesn’t Happen You Can Have Me.


This city needs a hero. A very attractive hero. One with blue eyes and an ass that won’t quit. That hero is me. A lot of people don’t realize how much this city needs a hero, but what they don’t realize is that there is a need for hero’s everywhere. For example there was this time on the bus where an old man was forcibly removed from his seat by a much stronger, younger man. I really wish there had been a hero there to stop that young, strong me.

Every night in this city, millions of people are murdered. Some people say this is an ‘unrealistic’ statistic, and that there are only 750,000 people in this city, I’m telling you that you’re just playing into their web of lies.

I know most people might question my ability to be a true hero, but I have it on good authority I am. I don’t know if you’ve seen the film Frozen, but it basically told me I’m a special snowflake, and I equate that to meaning I’m a hero. You’re welcome.

I think it’s time I called out the real villain of this city. Mr. Ice, I call you out. Some people say he’s not a villain but in fact the actual mayor of the city. With a name like Mr. Ice? I don’t think there’s a real chance that he’s not a supervillain.

This city needs a hero. Someone to stop the annoying jerks who keep calling hero’s ‘vigilantes’ or ‘a literal criminal. I mean not a vigilante, he just keeps committing tax fraud’. I think that person should be me, and the person that said those above statements should be fired and then murdered.

You’re welcome. I’d like my 300,000 dollar paycheck now, and I promise you I’ll get right to work on solving this cities problems.


From Jeffery Garopal’s College Entrance Essay. He was not accepted.


One thought on “This City Needs a Hero. And if That Doesn’t Happen You Can Have Me.

  1. Jeffery’s college application wasn’t rejected because of his essay but rather on account of the school closing in the wake of a million people being murdered every night. It’s hard to get people to invest in a four year education program when their chances of being murdered tomorrow are so statistically high. We need to find ways to get people a four year education in one day.


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