How to Pitch a High Brow Movie

Last February I was disappointed to see that once again I failed to earn an Oscar.

A lot of people have dedicated their lives to winning an Oscar. And I think that’s a valiant goal.

I’m blessed myself with having already won multiple Oscars, though never at the actual ceremony. Yes, it was difficult, but I finally managed to get my friend Oscar to give me an Oscar for just $600 dollars. Isn’t it crazy, how he’s the head of the Oscar committee but still at the same time works as my secretary? Crazy!

Anyway, I’ve decided to finally compile a list of all my great movie ideas, and as an act of kindness for reading my blog, I’ll allow you to produce any of these films free of charge at just a $10,000 asking price.

PRESS PAWS

Press Paws is a groundbreaking film about the lives of a group of household pets. These pets are really smart somehow. Maybe they watched a lot of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, or ate a little kids brain, I don’t know. Regardless, now that they’ve got these brains, they’ve got a great idea for some sort of new remote control. I don’t know what’s so special about it, maybe it allows you to switch channels faster or gives you the ability to kill European fascist dictators. I don’t know.

Regardless, now these pets have to convince their owners through lots of hilarious hijinks that the remote control idea is theirs. At the end of the movie, we learn something. Maybe something about society and our treatment of animals, or maybe we learn how to bake a pie. I don’t know. Regardless, it’s lots of fun for the entire family, and also for you because it makes you a lot of money.

press-paws
No animals were harmed in the making of some other film. Lots were harmed in this one.

The Tree Amigos

 

A loving love letter to the wild west. What happens when three trees come to life only to discover that they’re entire forest is going to be destroyed by Sylvester “Demon Eyes” Malone to make room for his brand new monster themed saloon? Together the three trees try and stop him from destroying everything they love. But they can’t because they’re trees and they can’t move. This would be a difficult one to pull off, but with the right character development and a really stupid audience you could make it work.

the-tree-amigos
Roger Ebert described it as: “Get out of my bathroom.”

Sketchy Business

 

In an attempt to save their failing show “Last Ferry To Kitten/Murderer Island” a group of sketch comedy actors take out a large loan from the mafia. Unfortunately not everything goes as planned and the group becomes entangled in the mafia. A real nail-biter right? Anyway, lots of crazy funny things happen. Like for example one guy falls in love with the boss mafia guy’s daughter. So the boss mafia guy takes him under his wing. And then at the very end there’s lots of betrayal. And the mafia guys end up putting on the “Last Ferry to Kitten/Murderer Island” show, in an attempt at apologizing to the sketch comedy actors.

In the end the actors and the mobsters decide to combine forces and run the mob and the show together. It will teach the valuable lesson that sketch comedy is a dangerous world, and they should get involved in something safer, like accounting or the mob.

sketchy-buisness
With enough determination, intimidation, and murder, you can make anything happen.

Those are my brilliant Oscar ideas. If you’d like to use any of them that’s fine, just remember that you have to credit me, also pay me 100% of the money you make. I know that may not seem like a lot of sense.

Thanks for reading!

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8 thoughts on “How to Pitch a High Brow Movie

  1. I would never want to go to Kitten Island. I hear it was named for the serial killer Charles Kitten who is rumored to still live in the Kitten Mountains in the center of the island. I wish they’d kept the old moniker Murderer Island named for noted humanitarian Linda Murderer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. searingly (which is scalded serious) — I axually started to have tears (you know, water leaking furrum my i’s) readin’ the first two ideas. in either the so-cauld(ron) “perfect whirled” (or a decidedly much more IMperfect one) you could/should $ell those ideas for your affordable discounted rate. I have a couple “favorite” cats at present, and one of them is really good at murdering smaller defenseless creatures. otherwise, she’s sorta cute.
    and, hardly a day goes by that I don’t happen to reflect on some inane irrelevant aspect of “3 amigos”. 4t-u-nately, i’m sure there’s no “reasonable” XXX-planayshun 4 that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A cat good at murdering small defenseless creatures? Sounds like a creature with a unique talent! If I ever get Press Paws going, we could definitely utilize such a strange talent!

      Like

      • I sus/ex/pect you know that THAT is not a you-neek talent for cats. regrettably. wish they’d murder insects IN THE HOUSE, instead of depositing the dead and dying at our doorstep. (their way of showing they could provide for us, if things got, uh, thin …)

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think it’s important for a cats confidence that they know that if times were lean they could become the man of the house and you could lounge in sunbeams and poop in a box.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I then forced my wife (who sits in another room watching old B/W movies while MMMprooving her brain (braying?) while binge-playing computer solitaire) to not only read the cat’s review of paws, then we both laught @ the “press paws” and she also thought three ameegoez would also be a movie we might watch sumday. we mite have to raid our edible-U-NO-WOT cabinet, 1st …

      Liked by 1 person

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