For years the scientific community has scoffed at the Ouija Board, saying it “Has no scientific merits” and “Are you selling? Cuz I’m buying?” and “The Ouija Board is ridiculous”.
I’m inclined to agree, it is ridiculous – ridiculously awesome! That’s why I’ve decided to bring my scientific skills to the table.
Last night I got an Ouija board, a bottle of coke, an invisible ghost knife a traveling salesman sold me, and my camera, and I proved you wrong once and for all. Below is the transcript, note I am in bold:
Hello. Is anyone there?
(Three Knocking Sounds) Frank?
(Gasp) Is it… a ghost?
No, it’s Kevin from downstairs we’re having a party-
I’m sorry I can’t come I’m summoning a ghost
Oh. Um. Yes, regardless, there might be some loud music, so don’t freak out and throw acid at us like you did last time.
That. Didn’t happen.
Yes it did. You had to pay me $60,000, remember?
Fine. Just can you try and play spooky music?
I can’t promise that.
(Grunt) Okay, whatever. Look Kevin, I don’t want you to get too concerned if you hear any screaming or thrashing or anything up here.
Okay, fine by me.
I appreciate the concern, but you’ve just gotta let it happen.
I mean, I am concerned literally 0%.
That’s sweet of you to say, but its also okay to cry. If you wanna cry? You could do that now.
I am okay.
Whatever. Bye Kevin.
Are you a ghost?
(It worked, yes!) What’s your name?
I mean what was your name before you ghosted it up?
I’ve got some questions for you, are you prepared to answer them?
I’M TOO SPOOKY TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
Okay, I’m hearing a lot of spooky. Could you back that up? Like maybe kill my neighbor Kevin?
I’VE GOT SOMETHING A LOT SPOOKIER IN STORE FOR YOU FRANK!
Oh goodness, please don’t kill me!
PREPARE FOR SOMETHING EVEN WORSE… WITHIN THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS SEA LEVELS ARE EXPECTED TO RISE 15 INCHES.
THE ICE CAPS ARE MELTING.
I thought you were going to do something spooky!
IF YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS SPOOKY, YOU’RE IGNORANCE MAY JUST BE SPOOKIER THAN ANYTHING I CAN SAY AT ALL
Could you maybe say something about my death, or when it will be, or anything psychic?
I’LL TELL YOU THIS, YOU’RE GRANDCHILDREN WILL DIE FIGHTING WARS OVER THE LACK OF FRESH WATER.
Little Carl will die?
YOU HAVE A GRANDCHILD?
I don’t technically have a grandchild, but I’ve got a dope grandchild in the Sims. So… Yes.
Look! I didn’t invite you in here to judge me! I invited you for one reason and one reason only. Science! And also too see if you knew who would win the next Superbowl.
I DO KNOW, BUT I’M NOT TELLING YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T CARE ABOUT MY AWESOME SCIENCE FACTS.
Wow! I didn’t say I didn’t like them, I’m just saying I didn’t expect them.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T. THIS IS JUST CLASSIC NON-GHOST. ALL GHOSTS HAVE TO BE SPOOKY! MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO BE SPOOKY? MAYBE I JUST WANT TO DANCE!
I feel like I’m in the middle of something. Now only a crazy person would get involved.
ARE YOU FINISHED?
I MEAN IT JUST REALLY FELT LIKE YOU WERE GOING TO CONTINUE.
WAIT, SO DO YOU WANT TO GET INVOLVED OR NOT?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I SHOULD GET GOING.
Wait, but isn’t the ghost world never ending pain?
I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S RELEVANT. NEVER ENDING PAIN CAN ACTUALLY BE A LOT OF FUN?
Oh, is it?
And that was the last I saw of Spooky Ghost the ghost. All he left behind were the memories. As well as a brimstone ass print on my chair. Also every couple of days he’d leave a note about topsoil or seals. And he took over my guest room. I guess we’d go out together sometimes. We were a great team. He’d scare a girl right into my arms, and I’d stab any girl he fancied. Those were truly the days of our lives.