My Career as a Scarecrow

A lot of people expect a lot from a scarecrow. They expect them to scare away crows, other birds, and also to eat small children when they get too difficult. It’s a lot of pressure especially for a job that’s most famous for not having any brains.

I started off my career as a sort of businessman. I ran my own small business where I discovered a lot about myself and the world. The biggest lesson I’d probably say is that an experience in biology and science is more important than my natural charisma when it comes to producing medicine for a pharmaceutical company.

Inspiration struck as I watched hundreds of people form a mob outside of our pharmaceutical store asking for my head. Not because they were angry at me, but because they needed human brain to cure the awful side effects of my deadly medicine. As I scampered down a pipe out the back I realized that maybe this job wasn’t for me. That’s when it struck me! Where would the mob of angry people never look? Norway! Then I realized that that was an impractical solution to this problem. That’s when it struck me again! A scarecrow. They supposedly don’t have any brains. So as I ran and dodged the flaming arrows they shot at me I began making my way to the scarecrow supply store.

I just managed to sneak in and change into a scarecrow costume before they came in and looted the store. I just snuck on right past them, because they didn’t expect me to be a scarecrow at all! Also because I sprayed pepper spray in their eyes.

The night was cold, possibly because of the ice volcano I’d accidentally invented, but I don’t know whether that was the case. I’m no scientist. I found myself at a farmers house. He was one of those farmers that were really old and you could tell that the only reason he still had the farm was because some sort of ghost said he’d die a week after he sold it.

We struck up a deal, he’d let me scare away the crows in his field, and I’d let him pay me money. I did my job pretty well I think, when I was done with that place there wasn’t a single crow left. In-fact some people credit me with eliminating them as a species altogether. I hate to take sole credit for it because loads of other people helped, but I’ll do it anyway. It was all me.

It wasn’t all peaches and roses, mostly because I wasn’t allowed near those crops, but also there were some tough things associated with the job. For example, standing around so much would give me terrible cramps and one time my legs failed me so badly they stopped working entirely. Which is when the crows tried getting payback. I’d like to say I held my own, but I only survived because they recognized I could be more useful alive. Because of the massive bounty on my head that the towns people put out.

The crows said they’d bring the village people to me, and then they’d take the bounty, but when the village people came to the fields, I was nothing but a scarecrow. In a fit of rage the townspeople killed the crows! Sure that rage may have been a side effect of my medicine, but I guess we’ll never know. Because I’m not talking and they all died.

I realized my career as a scarecrow was finally reaching its end when I heard the screaming of the town go silent. It was time to let someone else fill my large scarecrowing shoes. Look, scarecrowing is a booming business, and I feel bad for taking it away from some kid, also because statistically speaking, I already took away his parents.

So I went back to the town, having gained experience in more ways than just scarecrowing, I also learned to dissect crows, and decided it was time for me to get into politics.




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