The Last of the DooDoo Bird

Many people have forgotten the plight of the meek DooDoo Bird, but it’s tale shall always be a reminder. A reminder that humans are the best damn species out there and are not to be trifled with.

In 1823 explorer Henry Machete, his two sons, and their pet monkey discovered the Island of Mystery. Which is what they named it. See, that’s why you shouldn’t let explorers name their discoveries. At least that’s our perspective here in Ifounditfirstsuckitcraigsville. 3 years later they returned with an entire exploration party. After the party was over, they decided to explore the island further.

They discovered that the Island of Mystery was a very mysterious place. There were many things they didn’t understand about it. Like how the natives washed their hands before meals, or how the island was constantly trying to murder them. It was very strange, it seemed like every time the explorers would try and kill something, it would try and kill them back? First they tried this on the squirrels, then the bears, and finally the natives. All of them seemed to dislike being killed! Henry Machete noted this and continued on.

Eventually the group found themselves in a clearing with a mansion, a clearing we now know belonged to the Island of Mystery’s dictator/mall Santa, that they incorrectly believed to belong to the pigs in the clearing. Theres a reason they became explorers and not mathematicians. In that elusive clearing though were dozens of beautiful DooDoo Birds.

The first instinct of the explorers was to eat one of the DooDoo birds. Which they did. Then they decided to eat one more. The next thing you know dozens of birds were carted off to the homeland and became a delicacy.

Now, at this point the environmentalists and vegetarians of the world were too preoccupied with the tasty tasty meat of the bird to worry. Eventually though DooDoo Birds were becoming more and more rare, therefore more and more expensive. The meat no longer being able to silence their morals, they quickly rose up in arms.

“Stop eating DooDoo Birds!” and “At least give us some!” They said.

So they gathered all of the remaining DooDoo Birds and started a DooDoo breeding program. Unfortunately they realized the DooDoo’s were too damn delicious, so they just ate them.

So there’s a story for you. And I didn’t make it up. Not. Even. A. Little.


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