For years humanity solved its conflicts through wars and battles and such. Finally though, they decided there had to be another way to solve issues. So they invented Garminar a game invented to solve international conflicts in a more peaceful way. Unfortunately, Garminar is arguably significantly more violent than normal warfare. For those looking to solve arguments with their friends, or possibly to harm someone, both emotionally and physically, here are the main tenants of Garminar.
- There are 14 different roles in Garminar, of varying difficulties. The roles go, from easiest to hardest, as follows:
- Space Vampire
- Evil Clone
- Not Evil Clone
- Assistant to the Regional Manager
- The Baby
- Steve Buscemi
- Slithery Snake
- Deep Sea Gas Station Clerk
The Dentist is the easiest position because all it requires is a little bit of know how and a dentistry kit, an item that someone is sure to get on the opening dodgeball match. If not, the dentist will have to run around the court four times, one for each year of medical school, and then have to intern under the other teams Dentist.
Contrast that with the Deep Sea Gas Station Clerk, who has to learn to breath underwater otherwise the submarines operated by the Steve Buscemi’s won’t work. I know on paper learning to breath underwater sounds super easy, but it’s not, and sometimes the Deep Sea Gas Station Clerks will drown right after getting out of the underwater car. Then the Plumber would have to take over his role and it just makes a real mess of things.
- The point of the game is to have fun. Also to win. There are three ways to achieve victory in Garminar:
- Reinvent the Wheel: To win this you must reenact your best interpretation of the invention of the wheel, it’s got to be REALLY good though, otherwise you’ll have to resort to Out of the Frying Pan and into the Liar.
- Last Man Standing: Eliminate the other team completely. Whether through murder or slowly adding more and more salt to their meals until they all die of heart attacks
- Out of the Frying Pan and into the Liar: This victory condition entails being the first group to build the statue of Eden, a pet snail of the inventor of Garminar. This project must include at least 3 separate Orphans, so one team must convince the other teams orphans to join them.
- Now, a lot of people get confused as to the priests role in Garminar, but that’s only because the Priest is essentially a wild card role. Despite the common belief that they have two lives, the Priest is actually one of the weakest roles in the game. The only thing they get to carry with them is a Bible. And another Bible. Also 748 more Bibles. This may seem incredibly useless, but some of the best Priests have managed to create entire cities of Bibles. The Bibles have been known to stop bullets as well as the Space Vampire role.
- Finally, Garminar has some very specific rules when it comes to group sing-a-longs. Whenever a team finds themselves out of Space Oranges, the Steve Buscemi’s will start a fire, and they’ll roast some beans, or possibly human flesh depending how hungry they are. Now, you may sing any song written by the Dixie Chicks, but another song must be sung while holding the Harp of Truth, which can only be created by the Baby and blessed by the Slithery Snake for it to work. If that is not done correctly, the singing country will be forced to forgo their sing-a-long meal, and have to swim from one side of the court to the other, giving the other team a chance at Reinvent the Wheel.
I know to a lot of you these rules may sound crazy, or maybe even made up, but this is the way the world stands today. So all you kids out there, make sure you give Garminar a chance before you join one of the competitive sports leagues like the NFL (National Football League) or the PADG (Proffessional Army Death Games).