For years the people of Wizard City have spoken in hushed voices in the corners of crowded bars, and not just because anyone that I hear talk when I’m karaoking I savagely beat. No, because in those hushed moments between my renditions of Immortality by Celine Dion these grizzled men discuss the urban legend we’ve all come to both love and fear. The Surprise Surgeon.
It all started 12 years ago, when I first started karaoke. It was just an average night in Murder City, the streets glowed with the light of the full moon. Also the radiation that the government pumped into the ground below us. One man, that we all now know as Craig, because that’s his name, found himself a blackout drunk. Next thing he knew he was awake in a ditch with a splitting headache. And not his usual ditch either, a completely different ditch than he’d normally fall asleep in.
And what’s this? He looked down and suddenly he found he had five fingers. This was strange because a couple of years ago he’d lost a finger in a tragic thumb wrestling accident. That’s when he saw a flash of a shadow up above!
“SURPRISE SURGEON!” It yelled and then disappeared.
No one quite knew what that meant. Did he mean surprise sturgeon? When Craig told the people of Death City about it everyone who believed the old drunk began watching out in their bathrooms for this Surprise Sturgeon to show up. When it didn’t, they began to suspect maybe they hadn’t misheard it after all. Maybe he had said Surprise Surgeon!
The excitement surrounding the Surprise Surgeon quickly died down because there was a strange clown terrorizing the streets of Evil City, but when Old Ben woke up without a kidney the Surprise Surgeon was back! At first Old Ben was pissed! He was going to use that kidney for living! Then he remembered that he had another kidney. Then he remembered also his kidney was diseased and killing him. Then he was pissed again because he remembered he wanted to die!
A lot of people credit this as the first deed that the Surprise Surgeon did that wasn’t a complete success. Also his first deed on a guy who’s name rhymed with Bold Den.
Many people argue over whether the Surprise Surgeon is a hero or a villain. Unfortunately most of them do it right in my version of My Heart Will Go On, so they don’t get to finish before I yell at them. Personally I think that the Surprise Surgeon is a hero. But also he might be a villain. That’s my opinion anyway.
Personally I was never involved in the mystery of the Surprise Surgeon until one day I woke up with an ear attached to my stomach. I personally felt a little violated, but at the same time I also felt like I’m finally better than that Alex guy at karaoke. If he’s so great how come he only has two ears?
My moral superiority came at a price though, because I was cursed with the ability to eavesdrop on everyone. I learned what people really think of me. I also learned how stupid people are! They’re using annoying completely wrong! When they say “Jeff is super annoying” they mean “Jeff is super awesome”. Education, ammiright?
Probably the most famous of Surprise Surgeons surgeries was on the president of Attack City. It was during a speech he made to the Commission of Bribery. Right when he began his speech, the lights briefly went out. When they came back on, the presidents cornea had been reshaped and he could see a lot clearer.
For months, as the FBI warrant went out, no one saw or heard from the Surprise Surgeon. Except for people that followed his blog.
So is the Surprise Surgeon a hero? Or is he a villain? Or is he just a man with an odd hobby? I’ll leave that for you to decide. But please do it quietly, or at least wait for my Single Ladies solo to finish.