I felt bad of course, sending all of my best soldiers to their deaths, but for your country sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Why did it have to be this way? Why did the war with the Scandugions get so bad? Was it when I accidentally spoiled the ending for Harry Potter for their leader? Or was it when I nuked their cities? I don’t know. But I did know I had to do something to get them back.
At first we hacked their first warning system and forced them to listen to What Does the Fox Say? For 32 hours straight. The mission was a flub and my wife laughed at me for days. Besides making some of them pull their ears off, there was hardly any damage and the Scandugions could still hear from their mouths. For days after learning of the missions failure, I stared sadly out the window, as a single tear dripped down my eye.
In a desperate move of desperation, I through all my best soldiers at the problem. In retrospect it would have been better to organize them and give them weapons, instead of having our giant robot throw them at the Scandugions ship. But hey! You win some you lose some! Except in our case, in which we lost them all.
My next plan was fool proof. I sent them a basket full of kittens. As they played with the adorable kittens, I sent in an elite group of soldiers to steal their cutest animals. When they discovered what we had done, the Scandugians sent us a warning saying, “Those are not pets to be trifled with. Please release them for your own sake. They WILL kill you.” But I didn’t fall for it. So I ordered my men to keep petting those adorable creatures. Mysteriously though the next day they all died of some sort of flu which ripped off limbs and stuff. Also the creatures went missing right as this happened. Crazy!
But then I realized something. A revelation of maximum relevatings! Maybe, if I allowed the President and the Generals out of my basement, they could fix this mess we were in!
Naah. I think I’ll figure something out. I wonder if the Scandugions are allergic to anything…