House of Cards

Dear Mr. Carson,


We have received your request for us to write a commercial for your company, below is the full transcript written by our best and brightest. And also our only.


The scene opens up on a young Mr. Carson. Only instead of being him, he’s a much handsomer and less fat person. The frame is zoomed in right into his eye. Then, surely but slowly it zooms out only for the viewer to discover he’s standing on a literal House of Cards! For realism, I feel like it should actually be a house of cards, and not cgi. “Welcome to my house of cards!” He yells!

Then it flashes to him in his office. And what’s this? His table is also made out of cards? No. No it is not, because you can’t really write on a table made out of cards. It’s an actual table though, with a house of cards on the desk. Also, lets make him sign some sort of document. How about his will? And also we should use his real will, for realisms sake. Also why don’t we just have him write something on his will like he’s dedicating it all to me! HA! Wouldn’t that be funny? But also yes. Do it.

Then to end the commercial, we have you back atop your big house of cards. But then what’s this? There’s a competitor or something with a grenade! And he’s blowing up your house of cards! But it doesn’t fall because your house of cards is the best. The goddamn best. But what’s, you still trip off of the house of cards! And die! I think you should totally do your own stunt for this.

Your welcome.




Dear Commercials and Fraud R Us,


Here at House of Cards, we’re a little bit concerned that the writer of that commercial is trying to somehow steal Mr. Carson’s fortune by getting him to put him in Carson’s will. I’m more than a little bit concerned, and I hate to say it, but this feels like a deal breaker for us. Also, based off of the commercial, it doesn’t seem like you know what we sell at all. I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to take our business to Advertisements and Embezzlements R Us.A


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