What Went Wrong in Our Relationship

Sometimes, when I’m lonely, and also have been hit in the head a couple of times, I think back to the relationship we had, and I struggle to think what went wrong.

We were great together. You loved horror movies. I loved pranking you into thinking you were in a horror movie. When you screamed and screamed and screamed, I knew we had something special.

You always wanted me to change, so I did. Now I only taxidermy animals. If that’s not dedication I don’t know what is.

You always said it was important to solve our problems with words. I think that’s great, but I have a question. Does it still count if I write words on the blades of this chainsaw? You would laugh and say, put down the chainsaw Kevin. And I would laugh and say, no.

I think that was the key to our success. We were like peas and gravy. You’d always invite your friends over without asking me. Which is fine, because I invited the bear that dug through our trash.

Whenever the police would come because of complaints from the neighbors we were great at communicating with them. You’d talk to them and assure them everything was alright, and I’d put a brick on their gas pedal.

Everything seemed so perfect. Looking back I struggle to think what went wrong. Was I too protective with you? Was I wrong to follow you around or and monitor your phone? Probably. Were you wrong to always tell me to do chores? Yes. It seems like we were both at fault here.

That’s why I think we should hash it out. Don’t you miss the days of us hiking? We’d walk all day and it would be beautiful, and then I’d get bored and push you down the mountain. You’d roll for so long.

So how about next Thursday? You can even bring that “police escort” you now have following you around. Now, I just have to figure out how to break out of this prison. Hm.



3 thoughts on “What Went Wrong in Our Relationship

  1. My husband, James Dracula, and I really appreciate your candor in sharing your relationship troubles. Have you considered a carrier as a marriage counselor?


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