James Dracula

Well, it looks like you’ve killed me and found this letter stuffed in my pocket. Congratulations, for years many said I was unkillable possibly because of that rumor I started. As my murderer you become my sole survivor, gaining access to my mansion, pool, curse, fortune, and my first born child Amanda’s hand in marriage.

Pay no heed to my wife’s desperate pleas to be let back into the house because “it’s a family heirloom” or she “needs to break the curse for your sake”. Don’t listen to her. If you feel the urge to bite her on the neck, do it.

Yes, it will be a tough time for Amanda, but I get the feeling that the fight will bleed out of her. Now, as you watch me die, lean in so I can tell you  a secret, one much too important to keep on paper.

There are a few things I’d like you to do for me before you leave to take over my life. If my wife Helga cries too much at the funeral tell her she is “stealing my thunder’ and that her behavior is “driving me batty”. If she begins crying even harder, tell her about the trip you and Vladmir are going on. By the way, please bring my son Vladmir to our family home in Transylvania. I would like you two to be close, sharing something deeper than a blood bond.

Also make sure to beat the neighbors, the Flinsbey’s, at the yearly Grill Off. This is the most important of all.

So I wish you a farewell, my killer, our time together is over and you are to take over my life. Head my words and I’m sure you’ll have a bloody good time.

James “Not a Vampire” Dracula

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