How to Be Successful in Life

Many people ask me what the secret to my success it. The answer to that is, “mind your own goddamn business.”, but if they are going to keep prying then my answer would be that I am not actually very successful.

There is no such thing as success. Did you know the Ancient Roman word for success directly translates to our word for drowning? Now, some people may question that fact, and say that I just don’t speak fluent roman, but who are you going to trust, someone like them, or someone really cool, like me.

If you listen to my advice, within 7-8 years you could be paying barely anything to pretend like you own a place like this.

Success is in the eye of the beholder, or, if you’re trying to seduce them, it’s in their eyes. And if they’re blind, then even better.

Success for me boils down to the three A’s and the L.


Awe inspiring



AAAL as I like to call it, is the secret to my success. Whenever someone asks me what I do for a living. First I tell them that it’s something that is awesome, then make sure that they are inspired and in awe, then I want them to be all like, that is amazing, and I wrap that all together by… you guessed it. Lying.

When people ask me how I can afford my dope RV, I just tell them that I believe in myself, and I also say that I have some sort of secret that I’m not telling them. Then when they ask what my secret is, I exchange it for $50. And then when they give it to me, I reveal the secret is believing in yourself the entire time. And then when they want their money back, I run.

Yes, it really is wonderful being successful. People are always asking whether my clothes are designer, because they assume I’m so rich, but boy would they be surprised if I told them I found these while rifling through the trash for dinner. And then they’d ask why there are faint red stains all over it, and then I’d curse (brand of washing detergent). And then I’d start inching away from them, doing my best to make sure they don’t see the claw marks on my back.

In my town you can find lots of interestingly shredded and oddly stained clothing on the full moon. Just one of those crazy things.

It’s not all peanuts and daisies being successful though. A lot of times you’ll find people asking for money. It’s the worst when they want it back. And sometimes when you’re successful you find yourself very lonely, because you just can’t lower your standards. Sometimes I wonder why I was cursed with such high standards. And then I remember it’s because I didn’t return the witches magic cow by midnight.

The moral of the story is that I am successful. And if you want to be successful then you should join my free, $90 success seminar titled “Success. Yes. Great. No Money Back.”


3 thoughts on “How to Be Successful in Life

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