It is a sad time for a lot of people. The holidays are over, New Years has come and gone and now we’re to face a cold, cruel world not filtered through eggnog and gingerbread. People begin to wonder whether their life has meaning, and start to consider doing something to bring some excitement into their world, maybe join a band that only does covers of the Police, go through an emo phase, or just stare out the window, with a single tear running down your cheek.
Well I am here to stop that, and to save your holiday cheer for one more week. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you… Freedomsday. On the first Wednesday of January (provided it’s not January 1st) we celebrate a great many things.
Freedomsday is all about forgiveness, whether it’s about forgiving yourself for getting fat, or forgiving your friend for stabbing you, even though it was only moderately on purpose (sorry Debbie).
More importantly though Freedomsday is about friendship. One way we celebrate friendship on Freedomsday is through croombes, a small rock painted with acrylic paint, holily made in a sweatshop in south east asia. And now I’m happy to announce that Whenstoriesattack now sells croombes.
Remember, the more croombes you get your friends, the more you love them. Also remember that the only place you can get croombes is from Whenstoriesattack.
Freedomsday has been celebrated in my family for decades, and I don’t want to have to tell you the amount of pain and suffering that has happened because of people trying to be cheap with their croombes. Let that be your warning.
On top of croombes, which are being sold at a very reasonable price of $19.99, there are a lot of other important practices that are neccesary to celebrate a happy Freedomsday. When Freedomsday was first founded, they celebrated it for three days and five nights, while crossing the Oregon trail. But during the first Freedom day they only had enough raspberry’s to make 8 freedom pies, as opposed to the 16 neccesitated by Freedomday tradition.
It was a miracle though! The raspberry’s managed to last an entire 16 pies, and all it took was to steal another family’s raspberry’s. And that’s why it’s traditional to kill another family, but United States “law” says that murder is “illegal”.
Even though we can’t celebrate all of Freedomsday’s great traditions, we can celebrate with our croombes and our raspberry pies, and with the most important tradition of all. The burning of one witch. But since that is also “illegal”, we get a certified Freedomsday doll and light it on fire as a family. You’ll have to use your own imagination to hear the witch’s screams, which really is the best part of a witch burning.