Advice Column

 

By Jennifer Smeegul

 

                Hi Jennifer! I’m a longtime fan, we met at an advice convention a couple of years ago, and I gave you my information. I was just wondering, can I have my identity back?

                Hello. I’m sorry to say, but it doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page. You seem to think I stole your identity and will give it back, and I seem to think that I stole your identity and I won’t give it back. Let’s agree to disagree.

Hello! Thank you so much for printing my question. I’m in a bit of a situation, and I thought you might be able to help. My girlfriend and I were having an argument to her about her family while in the car, and it was getting a bit heated, but then the car veared off a cliff and now we’re stuck in the Canadian Wilderness and she’s bleeding profuesly out of her head. Anyway, do you think I should tell her I don’t like her parents?

                If she’s bleeding that badly right now there is definitely cause to be worried for her health and it sounds like she will die without urgent medical attention. I’m telling you this because now is the time to tell her how much you hate her parents, you’ll regret it if you don’t.StockSnap_XMY1F9CX8S.jpg

 

Jennifer, I’m Rex Withers and I need a reply ASAP. I’m worried that my wife is cheating on me, and think she may reveal it to me this weekend. The problem is I haven’t been cheating on her, so I have to cheat on her by the end of the week to not seem weak. How would I go about doing this?

                Well first off Rex, it’s important that you figure out whether your wife really is cheating on you, because if she isn’t then you have a real chance to look really strong when you reveal your cheating habits, and I recommend you tailor your cheating reveal speech accordingly.

To find someone to cheat with, I recommend slathering yourself in pigs blood and going to visit my neighbors the Drakula’s. Just don’t bring any garlic. They do not like garlic.

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