The Gopher Wars

I’ve seen a lot of suffering in my life. I’ve seen pain, blood, and a miscommunication that resulted in someone getting me LOW FAT ice cream. I mean, why even try?

But none of that matches up to the pain and suffering that happened during the gohper wars! What are the gopher wars you ask? Well let me ask you this, what aren’t the gopher wars?

If that doesn’t answer your question, you may need to start thinking whether you’ll actually be able to understand the implications of the Gopher Wars.

It all started 10,000 years ago, when the first Gopher discovered fire. Obviously it didn’t want to make the lowly humans living next door jealous, so when they came over for drinks the gopher just pretended like it was a warm flower. You and I both know that it’s more than that, because it’s fire! I can’t believe you fell for that whole warm flower bit!StockSnap_2G02YFT4K5.jpg

Anyway, when the humans eventually stole the fire from the gophers it was awkward. The humans tried to play it off that they’d just found the flower lying around, but the gopher knew that wasn’t the case, but he couldn’t admit he lied.

So the gopher wars begun. The humans and gophers both pretended like they didn’t care, but both of their feelings were hurt.

Now, you may ask. Jeff, what was the war? And then I’ll say, aren’t hurt feelings enough for you? Must you be so obsessed with violence? And then I’ll leave to further avoid the question.

Of course, a couple thousand years later they both discovered that the humans had actually just discovered a warm flower. Stupid humans.



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