A Robot’s Guide To Pretending To Be Human


We’ve all been there, our software’s been updated, our human killing arm/buzz saw has been removed for “gross overuse”, and we’re in a real vulnerable place. I’ve been there myself in fact.

It’s the type of situation where you’re real likely to get hammered, but maybe because you’re so vulnerable instead of going to the hammer factory, you end up at a human bar. And the crazy thing about humans is they just accept you, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a robot or not. And then later you try and explain that to your wife that it was an accident, and she just laughs at you and says that “you’re not a robot, and ever since you attatched a buzz saw to your hand and called it a ‘human killing arm’ I’ve been having an affair with our neighbor Steve because he isn’t mentally ill.”

Modern Marriage, right?

That’s the problem with being a robot, sometimes your wife leaves you. Anyway you go back to the human bar and you drink yourself silly. Next thing you know you’re on a boat to Madagascar surrounded by other Humans.

Turns out Madagascar’s a real place, I always thought it was a myth like the Loch Ness Monster, or horses.

Now I’m lucky since I’ve got a great human disguise. I mean, I look so real as a human sometimes robots don’t get that I’m a fellow robot, and then when I insist they just shake their heads with pity in their eyes. Robots are the best.

Anyway, the boat was frightening, I somehow survived an entire month without plugging myself in, which makes me begin to wonder… Am I the greatest robot of all time?

When we finally got to Madagascar, we had to go through border control, and they had a no robots allowed policy. I finally broke down in front of all of my friends and admitted that I was a robot. And then they all laughed and I insisted again, and then they stopped laughing.

Anyway, that’s how I ended up in this mental institution. If this letter is to find the robot council, even if my therapist says you don’t exist, please get me out of here. Being human in a robot world is crazy, right?



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