Dogs are great. They are truly man’s best friends, but no best friendship is complete unless you have an elaborate plan in the case that your friend goes insane. It’s just what friends do. But let’s all be honest, we’ve seen the way they eye ball the treats, their cute little eyes saying ‘I love you Dan, but I swear to God I’d cut you for some more of those them there treats’.
- Dogs are vicious, and have jaws capable of biting you until it hurts. But that isn’t their only weapon. Cuteness is something you need to watch out for. It’s extremely rare, but cutness induced heart attacks are a killer. Make sure you watch out for wet, tinkling eyes and adorable begging.
- If you are taken hostage by dogs and brought to one of their prison camps, do not go towards the dog who asks if you are a good boy. We don’t know where those people go, but we do know they never come back.
- Exploding chew toys are dangerous.
- Sometimes, while you leave the safety of your bunker to try and find some food, you may find a tennis ball covered in slobber. Whatever you do, DO NOT THROW IT! Because if you throw it, then you’ll have so much fun with the dog you forget about your family in the bunker, and they starve to death! And then you look at the dog and he’s smiling, his eyes saying ‘I bet you wish you’d stopped your family from starving!’ and then you’d scream ‘Nooooo!’ and then you’d just have to keep playing fetch because it’s the last thing you have.