When I got the news I was flabbergasted. I had expected and hoped for something insignificant, but from the moment I saw the doctors face I knew I couldn’t hope to only have to amputate something. In his office, he looked me right in the eye and told me the truth.

I had Jerkfaceitus.

The first thing I had to deal with was the stigma. Every time I was at a party and somebody would call someone else a jerkface, I would crumple on the inside. It was difficult, but I finally managed to come out to my family about it, and then after a while my friends.

Gone were the days of yelling at waiters for adding to much salt to my orders. Gone were the days of punching people in the name of ‘friendship’. Gone were the days of running scientific tests on family and friends while they sleep. Now I had to be a nice guy, otherwise my Jerkfaceitus was at risk of becoming Assholeitus, and I didn’t have the money to afford treatment for that.

My first big test was when a waiter at a restaurant didn’t remove the cheese from the burger I ordered. I hate to admit it, but I didn’t do anything about it. I just politely asked him to remove the

But then I went to the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror and thought. Is this really the person I want to become? Someone who can’t yell at strangers for making minor mistakes? This wasn’t how I was raised!

So I yelled at the waiter. And then when I was done yelling at him, I got him to drive me to his house, where I yelled at his parents, brothers, sisters, and his pregnant girlfriend Janice. All of who were real nice, but deserved it.

Two weeks later the doctor told me to come in. We ran some tests and we got the news.

I now have chronic Assholeitus.

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