What Went Wrong in Our Relationship

Sometimes, when I’m lonely, and also have been hit in the head a couple of times, I think back to the relationship we had, and I struggle to think what went wrong.

We were great together. You loved horror movies. I loved pranking you into thinking you were in a horror movie. When you screamed and screamed and screamed, I knew we had something special.Read More »

Surprise Surgeon!

For years the people of Wizard City have spoken in hushed voices in the corners of crowded bars, and not just because anyone that I hear talk when I’m karaoking I savagely beat. No, because in those hushed moments between my renditions of Immortality by Celine Dion these grizzled men discuss the urban legend we’ve all come to both love and fear. The Surprise Surgeon.

It all started 12 years ago, when I first started karaoke. It was just an average night in Murder City, the streets glowed with the light of the full moon. Also the radiation that the government pumped into the ground below us. One man, that we all now know as Craig, because that’s his name, found himself a blackout drunk. Next thing he knew he was awake in a ditch with a splitting headache. And not his usual ditch either, a completely different ditch than he’d normally fall asleep in.Read More »

How to Pitch a High Brow Movie

Last February I was disappointed to see that once again I failed to earn an Oscar.

A lot of people have dedicated their lives to winning an Oscar. And I think that’s a valiant goal.

I’m blessed myself with having already won multiple Oscars, though never at the actual ceremony. Yes, it was difficult, but I finally managed to get my friend Oscar to give me an Oscar for just $600 dollars. Isn’t it crazy, how he’s the head of the Oscar committee but still at the same time works as my secretary? Crazy!Read More »

A Web of Lies

I knew immediately what the Police Officer said was false. I’d been in this type of situation before, and I knew how to recognize his Web of Lies.

When he said that my wife had been in a terrible car crash, I could immediately recognize it for what it was. One strand in a Web of Lies. My wife? Crashing a car? In critical condition at a hospital? That’s a likely story for a police officer. But I played along in his Web of Lies, and pretended to break down and cry. I found myself stringing my own Web of Lies.Read More »

Barnaclesday 2016

Dear Mr. Finn,

I’m writing to inform you that I will not be coming to work on Thursday, because I’ll be observing Barnaclesday next Wednesday. If you’re anything like my previous employers you’ll probably say ‘that’s not a real holiday’ and ‘You don’t show up to work anyway’. But just allow me to explain myself.

As a kid my family was very poor. The only toy I owned as a child was a rock which I accidentally lost at a rock museum. My parents could barely scrape by enough to purchase their golden monocles. Needless to say, times were tough.Read More »

Here’s My Idea for a Children’s Show

Here’s my idea for a children’s show.

The scene opens up on a small country home. There’s something weird about the home, possibly the bare trees out in front even though it was summer, or it might have been the lava pit out in the back from which came a creepy bubbling sound. Whatever it is the viewer should be asking, “What’s wrong with this house?”, then the words “None of your business!” flash across the screen.

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How to Fake Your Own Death

So it looks like your trying to fake your own death! Many people have done it, Elvis, Lord Lucan, Timothy Dexter, or Kevin from Accounting. If you plan on following in their footsteps there are some things you need to know.

#1. Faking your own death isn’t the bragging gold mine you’d hope it would be. I learnt that lesson when I tried to brag to a cute blonde at a bar about how I’d faked my own death!! Unfortunately she was a cop, which in retrospect made sense considering she was wearing a police uniform and was questioning me. Luckily I learned from my mistakes after I did the same thing the next two times I faked my death!!!

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