How To Survive The Dog Uprising

Dogs are great. They are truly man’s best friends, but no best friendship is complete unless you have an elaborate plan in the case that your friend goes insane. It’s just what friends do. But let’s all be honest, we’ve seen the way they eye ball the treats, their cute little eyes saying ‘I love you Dan, but I swear to God I’d cut you for some more of those them there treats’.Read More »

Master and Deathsxore

Master and Deathsxore were known for their light attitude, their ability to turn anything into a joke, and there murder trials, but did you know there was more to Master and Deathsxore then meets the eye?

Master grew up in an uptown household, as one of 19 children it was difficult for Master to stand out from his brothers and sisters. Which also explains why he has such a stupid name like Master, 19 kids are difficult to name. So what he did was every night he would cut away one inch of his siblings legs and tie it all back together. By the end of the year he was the tallest by 2 feet. And after he got back from Juvie (which he was sent to because c’mon! He was chopping off the other kids legs!) his Mother and Father noticed him very much. Because of their fear in him.Read More »

Remember The Party

It has come to our attention that apparently you do not like us very much, well that is fine, because we don’t like you. We got your note in the letter saying “You guys are the worst.” and “Give us our toaster back.” and we’re sending this note to tell you, no.

Are we the worst? Think about it. Were we really so wrong to come into your home for a dinner party and invite our own guests? And then pretended like it was our home? And then begin looking in your safe for the papers so it could really become our home?Read More »

Detectives Incorporated

It was a dark night, a darkness caused by the lonely minds of the people on the train. And also because we were inside, and it was an overnight train so the lights were out. It was dark but also cold, because of the coldness of the hearts of the train people, and also because the heater went out.

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This is what I look like on the train. Only more handsome.

It’s not easy being a detective, let me tell you. People are always like “Help me found out who killed my son!” or “I lost my lipstick, can you find it?” or “Please get out of the way sir, this ride is only for children.” Sometimes, as a detective, your tired of always solving crimes because you can’t solve the most complex crime of all. Love. And also the Zodiac killer. That’s a complex crime too.

Yes sirree. Sometimes I think of this dame I met. She was all like “help me solve the murder of my husband!” Sometimes when it’s dark out I think to myself “Wouldn’t it be nice if I was her husband? And also wouldn’t it be nice if she didn’t kill me like she killed him?”

That’s the problem with being a detective, your always in too deep. You know people too well. Like my ex-girlfriend Amanda. I knew she was in it just for my inheritance the second that she told me she was in it just for my inheritance.

Now that you understand what it’s like being a lonely detective on a cold, dark train, would you do me a favor? How about a job? I’d really like to get into the detective business.

Don’t You Hate It

 

Don’t you hate it when you forget what you were talking about? Like you’re coming in from outside and you see your friend Kevin and you were pretty sure you had something to tell him, but then you’ve forgotten. So you talk about the impact of trains on American culture, and then right as a bear is about to attack you and your friend, you remember that you were going to warn him about a bear.Read More »

Advice Column

 

By Jennifer Smeegul

 

                Hi Jennifer! I’m a longtime fan, we met at an advice convention a couple of years ago, and I gave you my information. I was just wondering, can I have my identity back?

                Hello. I’m sorry to say, but it doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page. You seem to think I stole your identity and will give it back, and I seem to think that I stole your identity and I won’t give it back. Let’s agree to disagree.

Read More »

The Neighborhood is Going To Crap

 

Let’s be honest, our neighborhood has gone to crap. It used to be this lively place. The kids would stay out all day playing with each other and the doing their best to avoid the minor radiation leaking out of the sewers.

But then things changed. They cleaned out the sewers. They took out the dead bodies from our air conditioning system that gave our street that classic smell. They arrested all the drug dealers and forced the kids to go to school.Read More »

My Ghost Problem

Ghosts have been a part of humanities culture from the beginning, we’ve used it as a way to cope with death as well as a way to scare little children into giving us their candy.

My problem is, where have all the ghosts gone? Do you remember how it used to be? You could just walk down the street and you were basically guaranteed to get haunted by some kind of spectral presence. It used to be that you could never feel lonely, because you knew that you were only one stormy night away from a ghost attack. That’s what it was like before the turn of the century.Read More »