Advice Column

 

By Jennifer Smeegul

 

                Hi Jennifer! I’m a longtime fan, we met at an advice convention a couple of years ago, and I gave you my information. I was just wondering, can I have my identity back?

                Hello. I’m sorry to say, but it doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page. You seem to think I stole your identity and will give it back, and I seem to think that I stole your identity and I won’t give it back. Let’s agree to disagree.

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How to Turn a Stalker Into A Friend

A lot of people are initially freaked out when they discover that they have a stalker, as they should be. For some reason or another stalkers have always had a negative connotation about them. There is this entire idea that a stalker is not a good guy, but the thing is we don’t know that to be true. Every stalker is unique, as is their reason for stalking. Maybe they’re just trying it as a hobby, or maybe they’re just trying to pay the bills for their baby. Who are you to judge?Read More »

Have You Been Murdered? Here’s 5 Easy Ways to Tell

A lot of people are murdered, some scientists speculate billions are murdered every day. Did you know though, that being murdered is actually one of the least dangerous ways to die in the public eye? Most Americans seem to think that there are other more dangerous things than being murdered, like car accidents (see my solution to that here) and having a broken heart.Read More »

How to Be Successful in Life

Many people ask me what the secret to my success it. The answer to that is, “mind your own goddamn business.”, but if they are going to keep prying then my answer would be that I am not actually very successful.

There is no such thing as success. Did you know the Ancient Roman word for success directly translates to our word for drowning? Now, some people may question that fact, and say that I just don’t speak fluent roman, but who are you going to trust, someone like them, or someone really cool, like me.Read More »

The 4 Main Tenants of Humanities Main Sport

For years humanity solved its conflicts through wars and battles and such. Finally though, they decided there had to be another way to solve issues. So they invented Garminar a game invented to solve international conflicts in a more peaceful way. Unfortunately, Garminar is arguably significantly more violent than normal warfare. For those looking to solve arguments with their friends, or possibly to harm someone, both emotionally and physically, here are the main tenants of Garminar.

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How to Pitch a High Brow Movie

Last February I was disappointed to see that once again I failed to earn an Oscar.

A lot of people have dedicated their lives to winning an Oscar. And I think that’s a valiant goal.

I’m blessed myself with having already won multiple Oscars, though never at the actual ceremony. Yes, it was difficult, but I finally managed to get my friend Oscar to give me an Oscar for just $600 dollars. Isn’t it crazy, how he’s the head of the Oscar committee but still at the same time works as my secretary? Crazy!Read More »